Imagine This

Here I am 21 years old. Dr says, “From your diagnosis you may never have kids without fertility treatments. We can try Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) or Invitro Fertilization (IVF) but it’s very expensive and there are certainly NO guarantees that it will work.” Just imagine this for a moment.

All of these thoughts in my head, how could this be, how could my dreams be crushed in an instant, why me?

We spent several thousand dollars and dug ourselves into debt. Why? Because we were chasing our dream. Did it work? No. Although we did not try IVF because that is 10s of thousands of dollars and on top of our current treatment debt we are in no way able to dig further. But the chances of it working? UP TO a 40% chance. MAYBE. If you’re lucky. On top of that, could my body handle it? Treatments make my endo worse so chances are, no I couldn’t handle it.

But just take a minute and put yourself into my shoes. How would you feel if this news came to you after 4 years of trying to conceive.

Yes, Miracles happen everyday; however I can’t live my life everyday expecting a miracle to happen. So here I am almost 22years old honestly thinking about a hysterectomy. I want to close this chapter. I don’t want to continue to live with a what if or maybe a miracle will happen. Because frankly that f*cks with my head and emotions beyond belief.

I was asked the other day point blank, “So right now in this moment do you have any chance of getting pregnant – is there anything that they can do or you can take that will work?” This really made me think and made things much clearer for myself. The answer is no. There are no true treatments for endo. Fertility treatments did not work. There is nothing that they can do. But at 21 I should not have to face this. I should not have to feel like I have failed as a woman. Or be deprived of what many women around me can do so easily.

This happened to me because I’m supposed to be able to handle this and maybe you, the person that is reading this or that girl who is 8 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child, couldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong I am extremely grateful for the life that I have been given. I have an amazing husband who busts his ass everyday to put food on the table and take care of me when I am hurting beyond words. My mom is one of my biggest supporters. I have been inspired by my Aunt who has been diagnosed with cancer, to keep on fighting. And my animals keep me smiling day in and day out.

But please don’t judge me, please try to understand. I have a disease that is incurable and most days my body hates me. I’m grieving the loss of having children. I have my ups and downs. Some days I want to talk about it, other days I don’t want anyone even mentioning it. Naturally, I’m filled with anger, guilt, jealousy, sadness, and loss. But I’m working on it. I’m working on being a better me. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, I just want you to be aware.

Unless you are faced with this you may never truly understand but atleast you can try.

Just imagine this and walk in my shoes.

 

xoxo

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Imagine This

  1. I can imagine so much of this because I am living it. All but the considering a hysterectomy part. I’m not yet convinced it would help my Endo since it is located in so many areas that can’t be removed. Outside of that, I understand the emotional pain of infertility, the physical pain of infertility treatments feeding and worsening Endo, the loss of trying to accept that you will never be a mother, and the pain of the horrific incurable disease that is Endometriosis. Hang in there. There will be better days ahead. We are Endo Warriors! ❤

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    • Amen sister!! It is a horrible disease but there has to be a better outcome!! Truthfully I don’t think the hysterectomy will completely take it all away but I hope it will take most of it. I expect the worst but hope for the best! I don’t want to be disappointed again. For me, it’s also about closing this chapter in my life and moving on. It will be a relief to not have to think every month “is this it? Could I be pregnant!” “Oh wait, I forgot my tubes don’t function, endo ruined that, and here comes the period with the pain that decides to never go away.” Hysterectomy is my way of ending it instead of letting it end me. At 22yrs old (on Monday) I am making a decision that most women would never imagine making at my age and even older. But I need my life back, I need ME back and really so does my husband. It’s definitely not for everyone, and not to take lightly at all. For me it feels right though. One thing I have learned from having endo, it’s a must to stay in tune with your body, listen and understand it. You too will get through this!! Stay strong and know you always have support!! I am always here to listen and help the best I can! One day at a time!!🙏

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      • I love your positive attitude and willingness to do what is right for you, even if that means making the most difficult decisions. You have obviously thought this surgery through and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that it provides the relief you deserve. Good luck for a successful surgery, speedy recovery, and better days ahead. ❤

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      • Thank you so much!!!! I knew this day would come since I was little (sounds crazy I know but I just had this feeling that I wasn’t like everyone else, I’m different) but guess what being different has made me a better person. I have a better understanding of people, life, and illness. And it has made me strong as hell!! You’re strong and will fight because that’s what we do!! I will keep you in my thoughts and hope and pray your endo will get better. ❤️❤️When you’re at the bottom you can only go up! 😁

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