Today I’m really struggling..
Have you ever felt like no one understands you? Or they really don’t care about you? That’s pretty much it for me. I’m not much for pretending to like people when I don’t or giving excuses all the time. And I really feel like it’s just me and absolutely no one gets me. Sometimes I want to just close up and not let anyone in. People ‘Act’ like they care but then ignore me when I decide to open up and talk about what is going on.
Truth is: I’m complicated. VERY complicated. I have experienced far more health issues, loss, and defeat than most 22 year olds ever will. I’m DIFFERENT. My mind doesn’t think about partying, I think about what am I going to do now? Where do I go from here? I don’t work at a job that I like. I’m having a hysterectomy and will never have biological children. I’m in debt due to my medical issues. I don’t like where I live. On top of it all no one understands me. Yes this is all the negative. But I feel defeated. After 5 years of trying for a baby.. and now I’m left worse than when I started. I looked up adoption and it’s going to be $20,000+ to adopt a baby. I don’t have that kind of money, I’ve never had that kind of money. Why does everything have to come with a price? Why can’t it come natural? I’ve worked so hard and nothing has gotten easier. I’m in so much pain today… I tell my friend and I get no reply. Maybe she’s tired of hearing me say it. I know I’m tired of feeling it. I need someone to decode my thoughts and tell me what I need to do.
I love being different and realize that most people couldn’t go through what I’m going through but I want to look forward to every day, not be counting down the minutes for it to end. I hurt more than ever… and it’s just me inside of this shell trying to escape.