My poem of Change

I drive around these old dusty roads
Pitch black with only the light of the moon
My mind is somewhere off in space
How did I even make it home tonight?

Every twist and every turn
Is burned into my memory
As the music plays
I relive the past.

I remember the first time, the first time
I drove down this old road
Now all I want
Is to just pick up and leave
Why can’t it be that easy?

A black night
A blue day
Around here
It’s all the same.

Listening to the music as it plays
Although it reflects
Many darker days,
I find truth in it
In so many ways.

“Through the eye
Of the storm
You are never alone
Even through, the shadows
You are never alone”

I’m so close
To the eye of my storm
Down these old back roads
Just to mourn.

My loss,
My strength
The lesson,
The gain
As I seek change
I will always
Grow through the pain.

(Lyrics by Killswitch Engage)
Poem by yours truly.
xoxo

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I dream

I dream of getting the news of a newborn baby, of a beautiful babyshower, and shopping for little booties and onesies. One day my dream will come true. Maybe not tonight or 5 years from now. But it’s going to come true. I’m not sure how we will come up with the finances to bring a baby home but I really am determined. Now that I have come to the realization that I will never “give birth naturally” to a baby, I have more strength for the future. This has been so SO hard. I speak through my blog because YOU understand more than almost anyone physically around me. Everyone’s uplifting words, encouragement, and understanding is helping me more than I can express. This next journey in our lives will officially begin Nov 20th with my hysterectomy. It sounds so weird, but I’m looking forward to it. I need the closure. I’m a very realistic person and I CAN accept this because this is my destiny. It will mean the world to me to give a child a good, loving family that they may not of had otherwise. I am thankful for having a WONDERFUL, LOVING husband. We have stayed strong for each other through ALL of our ups and downs. One day our dream will come true. Our family will be complete.

Lost and haven’t been found…

Today I’m really struggling..

Have you ever felt like no one understands you? Or they really don’t care about you? That’s pretty much it for me. I’m not much for pretending to like people when I don’t or giving excuses all the time. And I really feel like it’s just me and absolutely no one gets me. Sometimes I want to just close up and not let anyone in. People ‘Act’ like they care but then ignore me when I decide to open up and talk about what is going on.

Truth is: I’m complicated. VERY complicated. I have experienced far more health issues, loss, and defeat than most 22 year olds ever will. I’m DIFFERENT. My mind doesn’t think about partying, I think about what am I going to do now? Where do I go from here? I don’t work at a job that I like. I’m having a hysterectomy and will never have biological children. I’m in debt due to my medical issues. I don’t like where I live. On top of it all no one understands me. Yes this is all the negative. But I feel defeated. After 5 years of trying for a baby.. and now I’m left worse than when I started. I looked up adoption and it’s going to be $20,000+ to adopt a baby. I don’t have that kind of money, I’ve never had that kind of money. Why does everything have to come with a price? Why can’t it come natural? I’ve worked so hard and nothing has gotten easier. I’m in so much pain today… I tell my friend and I get no reply. Maybe she’s tired of hearing me say it. I know I’m tired of feeling it. I need someone to decode my thoughts and tell me what I need to do.

I love being different and realize that most people couldn’t go through what I’m going through but I want to look forward to every day, not be counting down the minutes for it to end. I hurt more than ever… and it’s just me inside of this shell trying to escape.

Adoption..?

Tonight, I decided to look up some information on adoption. As I have said before I’m having my hysterectomy Nov 20th and we have no children. I have always dreamed of having a family but knowing my health issues I figured it wouldn’t happen. I know everyone tells us to just adopt, plenty of kids need homes. That is true but it’s bigger than that and it’s not that easy. We, as husband and wife, need to go through the motions, the loss, the sadness, the guilt, and the healing. I would be more than happy to adopt but I want to adopt a newborn (atleast for our first child). It’s selfish, but I want the experience of raising a baby from day 1. The experience of being ‘mom and dad’ from the beginning. I’m getting emotional just writing this. I know we are not ready yet. I want to heal from the hysterectomy and thoroughly DEAL with the ups and downs.

If anything, it gives us something to look forward to. Love and Family is not always through blood. There is something beyond our loss. There is hope. I want to know that this is not the end. In a way, as I do my research, I’m excited.. Anyone’s personal experience with adoption are openly welcomed!

xoxo