Kicked When You’re Already Down

One week until my hysterectomy, I had a huge blow out with “Step” Father-in-law. The problem lies with the things he has been saying to my much younger brother and sister-in-law. My husband and I treat them as if they are our own children. Take them to do fun, exciting, things and try to spend as much time with them as we can. But I learned over dinner tonight from my 7yr old BIL that my FIL is telling them that I don’t work and that I’m lazy and sit on my ass. (Mind you he is on disability but physically ABLE TO WORK, it’s an injury to his arm/shoulder.) No, I’m not able to work everyday due to the physical pain I have BUT regardless of me going to work or not I take care of all of the house work and our 5 animals. Husband does most outside housework. I am not lazy. My Father-in-law on the other hand thinks that he’s the King of his house and does not need to help with their 2 kids, nor does he need to do ANY of the housework including: vacuuming, dishes, cooking. laundry, cleaning, or bathing their 4 animals. He expects to be served and the woman (who DOES WORK TOO) to do everything for him while he sleeps all day, goes out when he wants to, and buys and smoke pot when he pleases. To me THAT’S lazy.

The part that bothers me is that this is the second time he has told the kids something bad about me (that I know of). They are our world. When I confronted him, he went and beat and yelled at my 7yr old BIL. He’s getting punished for something his father did. Makes lot of sense right? NOT!

He continued to tell me I am no longer to step foot in their house again, mind you it’s not his house…. ha. My mother-in-law was crying and apologized to me. But this comes just one month after I made amends with some prior things they did to us, I’m left with this. I don’t deserve to be made out like such a bad person when I do more for them and with them than he ever will. It hurts. I don’t care what he thinks of me, everyone is entitled to an opinion, but to tell the kids these things and paint me in a negative way. They don’t understand. I wasn’t raised this way. I was raised with respect. I’m at a loss of what to do now. I’m so angry and upset especially that my BIL was punished for something that wasn’t his fault. I’m not the “bite your tongue” type. What’s wrong is wrong. What’s right is right and I refuse to be disrespected in such a way especially by a man. (I’ve been verbally and physically abused by men in the past.)

I need to deal with this, but I feel like living here, away from my family, I just keep getting kicked when I’m already down, constantly.

Advertisements

Lost and haven’t been found…

Today I’m really struggling..

Have you ever felt like no one understands you? Or they really don’t care about you? That’s pretty much it for me. I’m not much for pretending to like people when I don’t or giving excuses all the time. And I really feel like it’s just me and absolutely no one gets me. Sometimes I want to just close up and not let anyone in. People ‘Act’ like they care but then ignore me when I decide to open up and talk about what is going on.

Truth is: I’m complicated. VERY complicated. I have experienced far more health issues, loss, and defeat than most 22 year olds ever will. I’m DIFFERENT. My mind doesn’t think about partying, I think about what am I going to do now? Where do I go from here? I don’t work at a job that I like. I’m having a hysterectomy and will never have biological children. I’m in debt due to my medical issues. I don’t like where I live. On top of it all no one understands me. Yes this is all the negative. But I feel defeated. After 5 years of trying for a baby.. and now I’m left worse than when I started. I looked up adoption and it’s going to be $20,000+ to adopt a baby. I don’t have that kind of money, I’ve never had that kind of money. Why does everything have to come with a price? Why can’t it come natural? I’ve worked so hard and nothing has gotten easier. I’m in so much pain today… I tell my friend and I get no reply. Maybe she’s tired of hearing me say it. I know I’m tired of feeling it. I need someone to decode my thoughts and tell me what I need to do.

I love being different and realize that most people couldn’t go through what I’m going through but I want to look forward to every day, not be counting down the minutes for it to end. I hurt more than ever… and it’s just me inside of this shell trying to escape.

Lesson Learned

Well my “vacation” has come and went. Unfortunately it did not go quite at all as we had planned. In fact it was by far the worst vacation I have ever been on. My mom, husband, and I got a long great. On the other hand, I had to learn a hard lesson about my Aunt. While I was hoping to spend a lot of time and make good memories with her since she has Small Cell Lung Cancer, I was in for a rude awakening.

Turns out the only things ‘important’ to her were chain smoking and skyping her family back home. I was taken by complete surprise. She also treated me personally, like I was dirt on the ground. She continuously called me a bitch, claimed that I needed to take my ‘meds’, claimed that I was being mean to her, and that she should give me pills that would help my mood swings and bitchiness. All of this literally came out of nowhere. I calmly explained to her that yes my hormones are imbalanced due to the injection of Lupron which put me into a menopausal state. But even my husband and mom agreed that I was acting very normal and was not treating her bad at all. Actually I acted as if everything she said didn’t bother me and laughed it off to not create waves. She attacked me for having a disease that I cannot control and tried to down play the severity of my disease.. that I just like to complain about it. Someone that I thought cared about me as I did her really showed me who she really is.

Then at the end of the trip it all came to a head. My aunt stole my vicodin and of course she lied and denied it. But it all finally made sense. She was so irrational and mean towards me the whole trip because she was under the influence. Drugs make people do things that normally they would never do. I learned a hard lesson. Although she has cancer I can no longer feel bad for her. She’s chain smoking like you would not believe and she has LUNG CANCER! She’s using the cancer as a crutch to steal, lie, and get high. Meanwhile, everyone is feeling bad for her. I’m sorry but I can’t.

The great memories we wanted to make is now just a vacation I wish I could forget.

Imagine This

Here I am 21 years old. Dr says, “From your diagnosis you may never have kids without fertility treatments. We can try Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) or Invitro Fertilization (IVF) but it’s very expensive and there are certainly NO guarantees that it will work.” Just imagine this for a moment.

All of these thoughts in my head, how could this be, how could my dreams be crushed in an instant, why me?

We spent several thousand dollars and dug ourselves into debt. Why? Because we were chasing our dream. Did it work? No. Although we did not try IVF because that is 10s of thousands of dollars and on top of our current treatment debt we are in no way able to dig further. But the chances of it working? UP TO a 40% chance. MAYBE. If you’re lucky. On top of that, could my body handle it? Treatments make my endo worse so chances are, no I couldn’t handle it.

But just take a minute and put yourself into my shoes. How would you feel if this news came to you after 4 years of trying to conceive.

Yes, Miracles happen everyday; however I can’t live my life everyday expecting a miracle to happen. So here I am almost 22years old honestly thinking about a hysterectomy. I want to close this chapter. I don’t want to continue to live with a what if or maybe a miracle will happen. Because frankly that f*cks with my head and emotions beyond belief.

I was asked the other day point blank, “So right now in this moment do you have any chance of getting pregnant – is there anything that they can do or you can take that will work?” This really made me think and made things much clearer for myself. The answer is no. There are no true treatments for endo. Fertility treatments did not work. There is nothing that they can do. But at 21 I should not have to face this. I should not have to feel like I have failed as a woman. Or be deprived of what many women around me can do so easily.

This happened to me because I’m supposed to be able to handle this and maybe you, the person that is reading this or that girl who is 8 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child, couldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong I am extremely grateful for the life that I have been given. I have an amazing husband who busts his ass everyday to put food on the table and take care of me when I am hurting beyond words. My mom is one of my biggest supporters. I have been inspired by my Aunt who has been diagnosed with cancer, to keep on fighting. And my animals keep me smiling day in and day out.

But please don’t judge me, please try to understand. I have a disease that is incurable and most days my body hates me. I’m grieving the loss of having children. I have my ups and downs. Some days I want to talk about it, other days I don’t want anyone even mentioning it. Naturally, I’m filled with anger, guilt, jealousy, sadness, and loss. But I’m working on it. I’m working on being a better me. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, I just want you to be aware.

Unless you are faced with this you may never truly understand but atleast you can try.

Just imagine this and walk in my shoes.

 

xoxo