Imagine This

Here I am 21 years old. Dr says, “From your diagnosis you may never have kids without fertility treatments. We can try Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) or Invitro Fertilization (IVF) but it’s very expensive and there are certainly NO guarantees that it will work.” Just imagine this for a moment.

All of these thoughts in my head, how could this be, how could my dreams be crushed in an instant, why me?

We spent several thousand dollars and dug ourselves into debt. Why? Because we were chasing our dream. Did it work? No. Although we did not try IVF because that is 10s of thousands of dollars and on top of our current treatment debt we are in no way able to dig further. But the chances of it working? UP TO a 40% chance. MAYBE. If you’re lucky. On top of that, could my body handle it? Treatments make my endo worse so chances are, no I couldn’t handle it.

But just take a minute and put yourself into my shoes. How would you feel if this news came to you after 4 years of trying to conceive.

Yes, Miracles happen everyday; however I can’t live my life everyday expecting a miracle to happen. So here I am almost 22years old honestly thinking about a hysterectomy. I want to close this chapter. I don’t want to continue to live with a what if or maybe a miracle will happen. Because frankly that f*cks with my head and emotions beyond belief.

I was asked the other day point blank, “So right now in this moment do you have any chance of getting pregnant – is there anything that they can do or you can take that will work?” This really made me think and made things much clearer for myself. The answer is no. There are no true treatments for endo. Fertility treatments did not work. There is nothing that they can do. But at 21 I should not have to face this. I should not have to feel like I have failed as a woman. Or be deprived of what many women around me can do so easily.

This happened to me because I’m supposed to be able to handle this and maybe you, the person that is reading this or that girl who is 8 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child, couldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong I am extremely grateful for the life that I have been given. I have an amazing husband who busts his ass everyday to put food on the table and take care of me when I am hurting beyond words. My mom is one of my biggest supporters. I have been inspired by my Aunt who has been diagnosed with cancer, to keep on fighting. And my animals keep me smiling day in and day out.

But please don’t judge me, please try to understand. I have a disease that is incurable and most days my body hates me. I’m grieving the loss of having children. I have my ups and downs. Some days I want to talk about it, other days I don’t want anyone even mentioning it. Naturally, I’m filled with anger, guilt, jealousy, sadness, and loss. But I’m working on it. I’m working on being a better me. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, I just want you to be aware.

Unless you are faced with this you may never truly understand but atleast you can try.

Just imagine this and walk in my shoes.

 

xoxo

 

 

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Pittsburgh

Friday, I decided it was time to color the hair red-again.

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Then I was on my way to Pittsburgh for a weekend away to see my family. It was so nice to just be AWAY from my area for awhile. We decided to make Pittsburgh Steelers Wreaths. Although it sounds easy, it took us a total of 5 hours (cutting fabric and putting them together)!! But it was great spending time with my Mom, Grandparents, Aunt, and my Husband.

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It was also nice to talk about our upcoming cruise!! Only 15 days til my vacation time starts!! I guess I should probably start packing! My Mom, Aunt and I went shopping and got a lot of really nice clothes for the cruise. 🙂 We are all looking forward to the MSC DIVINA.

The Countdown begins…. and so much to do!! 😀

xoxo

Listen to the birds

My enjoyment is sitting in a quiet house, tv off, door open, and just listening. I like to take a step back from the world and just relax.

Two of my cats are running through the house playing with each other while my little 4lb Yorkie is chasing them back and forth, jumping up and down, hoping they will play with her too. The other two cats are quietly standing up at the screen door focused in on the birds outside, eating from the feeder while the squirrel is rummaging on the ground for the left overs. The lovely birds, including my male and female cardinal that pay me a visit every day, are singing away as if they have a large audience. But the sound of it all is what it is all about. Peace. Relaxation.

Just listening to the birds brings a sense of relief that there is something to be happy about. Nature is a beautiful thing and the animals make it all that more special. I may not be able to have children but I get to wake up every day of my life with animals greeting me from my bed to my front door. I love that every morning I get the opportunity to wake up and listen to the birds sing their pretty tunes. Just appreciating the small stuff can really make you that much happier!

xoxo