A lesson on friendship

Lately, I’ve had to learn a lot about friendship and about myself. I’m the type of person that gives and gives. I feel like I am drawn toward the people with the most problems and try to help them, fix them, and comfort them. But the problem with this is that they are mostly focused on themselves… The relationship becomes strictly about them 24/7 and there is nothing left for me. While I am typically ok with this, it seems that it’s creating problems within my own life now. 

My best friend of 16 years needed a place to stay for the second time in our adulthood.. So I said sure why not come live with me. Then he wanted to propose to his partner so I offered him to make payments to me on the ring if I paid for it.   When it was all done… I realized I was being used.. He had started to come between my hubby and I… And when I said it was time to leave it became apparent I wasn’t going to get the money for the ring. So I asked for it back and eventually he returned it to me. I lost a friend, but learned a lesson.

My other close friend was going through a divorce and started dating someone. It was a rough relationship between her and the new man on top of getting thru the divorce. I tried to be there every step of the way with her. Every late phone call, every urgent “I need you” – I was there. But during this time I was also separated from my husband.. And seeing a not-so-good man. It was one of the worst times of my life.. I almost lost my husband. Recently, this close friend responded to the not-so-good man on social media stating her boyfriend and her love him and wanted him to come over to a housewarming party. I was shocked! Here’s my best friend who knew everything I went through… Knew this man almost ruined my marriage…. And is now inviting him over, saying they love him. 

That was all it took. It was like a bus hit me. This wasn’t a friend of mine. And definitely not a best or close friend. In the last few days, I have learned that I will not allow anyone in my life that is not with me 100% … If they don’t bring out the positive aspects of life, I can’t be involved. She explains that it really wasn’t meant that way, but I can’t see past the fact that she would even feel it’s ok to express this to him. To have no regard to how my husband and I would feel. From what she tells me she doesn’t like this man for what he’s done to me and so many others.. She knows intimate details. Truthfully, I never asked her to not be friends or not talk to him but I never expected that she would feel so comfortable to say and do these things. The housewarming party that she invited him too is also the party she invited me to. She tells me of course she would never ACTUALLY invite him … But why did you say it then? To make him feel good? Why? Is that what you do to me? Be fake and say things just to make me feel good? Yea… I don’t think that’s any true friend of mine. 

Now I see, the very people she was talking bad about… She is now becoming buddy buddy with. Every little action solidifies what I’ve thought. It’s not about who is there for her, just as long as someone is. Some people are never ok unless they have people around them.. Or friends that are there for them. But that’s just it… It’s always about them… There’s nothing deeper between them and any given person. 

I don’t need friends… Especially not these kind. Granted I am not perfect by any means, but atleast I’m honest. I give my whole heart but people take it for granted and then stop to ask why they have no friends (which she recently asked me). Well darling, this is why. She’s not a bad person, and truly I do care about her but I can’t have a one way friendship. I’d rather have no friends than someone I can’t trust to have my back when I need someone. 

New Job!

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After 5 months of being unemployed, I’m happy to say that today I accepted a new job! For the past 7 years I’ve only ever worked retail so this new opportunity as a Distribution Clerk (Shipping&Receiving)  is very much welcomed! It’s hard, especially in my area to find work and anything that pays half way decent. This new opportunity to make pretty good money and venture outside of my comfort zone is exciting! With only one income, we were starting to really struggle and barely able to put food on the table so this truly couldn’t have come at a better time. Here’s to a new chapter and a better 2016! 🙂

My poem of Change

I drive around these old dusty roads
Pitch black with only the light of the moon
My mind is somewhere off in space
How did I even make it home tonight?

Every twist and every turn
Is burned into my memory
As the music plays
I relive the past.

I remember the first time, the first time
I drove down this old road
Now all I want
Is to just pick up and leave
Why can’t it be that easy?

A black night
A blue day
Around here
It’s all the same.

Listening to the music as it plays
Although it reflects
Many darker days,
I find truth in it
In so many ways.

“Through the eye
Of the storm
You are never alone
Even through, the shadows
You are never alone”

I’m so close
To the eye of my storm
Down these old back roads
Just to mourn.

My loss,
My strength
The lesson,
The gain
As I seek change
I will always
Grow through the pain.

(Lyrics by Killswitch Engage)
Poem by yours truly.
xoxo

I am ready!

Next week I have 3 Drs appointments scheduled. Monday I see my reproductive endocrinologist to find out if he will give me a hysterectomy. I asked for one back in April and he agreed that if I really wanted it he would do it but wanted me to try Lupron first. So I did. But now I feel I am ready to make the decision. I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to feel better. Yes, I know that this may not completely cure my endometriosis and other problems may arise. I still feel that it is best for me. I’ve faced a lot in knowing I will never have biological babies. But there is a reason for everything. I am stronger because of it and I appreciate life in so many more ways now.

My 2nd appointment is on Tuesday with the neurologist. I think this will give me more insight on whether the nerve damage in my leg from the endo will be able to be controlled. I do think this will be my problem area even after a hysterectomy because my RE is unable to remove the endo in that area. It is on a main artery and could create much greater problems for me like internal bleeding, skin grafts, and worse. Only time will tell. I JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER.

My 3rd is on Friday with my PCP to go over everything and maybe make some adjustments to my meds. She has given me tons of support and trying to steer me in the right direction address all of health issues correctly. It really feels good to have a Dr that truly cares and doesn’t just try to rush you out the door.

So big things are coming next week. TIME TO KICK ENDOS ASS!! I Am Never Giving Up! 😀