Midnight thoughts, family problems

I’m sitting here thinking tonight, maybe for the good, maybe for the bad. It has been just over 3 months since I have spoken to my mom, aside from the “Happy Thanksgiving. I love you” text and “Merry Christmas from the both of us. Love you.” text that I received. I replied to the Thanksgiving text and the conversation went no further. So for that I did not reply to the Christmas text. I feel deeply that if someone wants a relationship with you, they will not allow the only time they communicate with you to be a holiday, especially a parent. I mean it’s my MOM! She was my best friend. What happened to that?

Since my mom deactivated her facebook and her wife “M” blocked my husband and I on facebook, I have completely lost touch with her life. Mind you they did this before I had even expressed any feelings to them about their relationship or about M. (I have no problem with same sex marriage, it is strictly the way M treats my mom. I grew up in a very stable same sex home with a woman my mom was with for 14+years). I heard through the grape vine that she’s on vacation traveling in Florida right now. Oh how lovely. I can’t help but wonder if it’s going as shitty as the vacation my husband and I went on with them in September.

I spoke to my mom’s best friend, or former best friend.. because my mom won’t talk to her anymore since M is in the picture. She said she’s tried to contact my mom to see how she’s doing and told her she misses her. No reply. It infuriates me, that my mom’s friend that has been there since I was born (20 something years), is getting pushed away just as I am. I know my mom. She is the type of person that can walk away from someone and never talk to them again. When she’s done, she’s done. But her own daughter and BEST friend. Really!? I would like to think that if I reached out to her she would respond but I just don’t know anymore. I’ve never went a week without hearing from my mom let alone 3 months. Granted I was the one that lost it on the phone and hung up, I truthfully had every right to do so. I simply wanted a one on one conversation with my mom in private and she could not respect me enough to do that. She pushed for all of these things to come out but once they did, they did not want to hear what I had to say really. In a way, I feel like this is what M wanted. She wanted us to fight and sever our relationship so she could once again control every aspect of my mom’s life.

M wanted to agree to disagree. Well I can’t do that because of the person I strongly believe that she is. I can’t just brush it all aside and act like what I feel is not valid just to make everyone happy. That’s not me. She wants to say this all is a big misunderstanding but it’s not. I understand exactly the way she is and so does she. She admitted that she has these issues of acting out and being rude and nasty to people. Well I’m sorry, but why would I put myself in a situation for someone to put myself and others down. I refuse. So does this mean I can’t have a relationship with my mom because I don’t want to be around M? I would hope not, but that’s the way it seems. I could put aside my differences to do a family get together with all of my family but at this point I would not go to dinner with just them and my husband I. I tried for nearly a year to see the good in M, to look past all of these things that bothered me but sometimes you get to that point where you can’t be fake and you have to face the reality. So this is the reality.

I went through this with my father but slightly different. He was absent for most of my childhood and for 4 years while I was very young I did not hear from him at all. Just recently we went 3 years without seeing each other and minimal communication. Is he a bad guy? No. He was an alcoholic and just not good at being a “parent”. I’ve accepted that. It took me many years to accept that and it actually started with my marriage. I realized, that I was starting my own life and family and what’s done is done. If you want to be here, great. If you don’t, I have my own life now. In a way I was prepped my whole life for this very thing. But I never expected it from my mom. She wasn’t that person to let me down or turn her back. Now, I sit here questioning her… and asking what makes her any better than my father at this point? The very thing she ridiculed my father for, turning his back on me, she’s now doing… because of.. someone else? Seriously?

 

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Miracles do happen

Today, while at the hospital getting blood work for possible anemia (all came back ok) I overhead a woman talking while holding her newborn child. She was explaining to another woman how her newborn baby girl was her miracle baby. She became pregnant with her now newborn 1 year after having partial removal of both tubes and having them tied. Pregnancy only happens to approximately 5 out of 1,000 women after the 1yr mark. She was shocked and stunned but instantly thought it was a tubal… she went to the ER and they confirmed she was 6 weeks with a healthy pregnancy implanted within the uterus. Her due date was Dec 26 and she came a week early. During her C-section the Dr confirmed that her tubes grew completely back and the little “hairs and fingers” of the tubes reattached to the ovary.

For me, this confirms in life, that miracles do happen. If something is meant to be, it will happen. I was not so fortunate but there are so many that are and I am grateful for that. I was secretly overjoyed for this mom. I’m starting to think that maybe just maybe, my bitterness towards pregnant women is improving. I have noticed since having my hysterectomy nearly 5 weeks ago my outlook has changed. I’m maturing, I’m growing, I’m stronger and I’m becoming a better person. I’m closing one chapter, opening a new one. I can be very “black and white” when it comes to life and I needed to know that this struggle was over and be done with all the what-ifs or maybes.

Here’s to a better 2015!

xoxo

I dream

I dream of getting the news of a newborn baby, of a beautiful babyshower, and shopping for little booties and onesies. One day my dream will come true. Maybe not tonight or 5 years from now. But it’s going to come true. I’m not sure how we will come up with the finances to bring a baby home but I really am determined. Now that I have come to the realization that I will never “give birth naturally” to a baby, I have more strength for the future. This has been so SO hard. I speak through my blog because YOU understand more than almost anyone physically around me. Everyone’s uplifting words, encouragement, and understanding is helping me more than I can express. This next journey in our lives will officially begin Nov 20th with my hysterectomy. It sounds so weird, but I’m looking forward to it. I need the closure. I’m a very realistic person and I CAN accept this because this is my destiny. It will mean the world to me to give a child a good, loving family that they may not of had otherwise. I am thankful for having a WONDERFUL, LOVING husband. We have stayed strong for each other through ALL of our ups and downs. One day our dream will come true. Our family will be complete.

Adoption..?

Tonight, I decided to look up some information on adoption. As I have said before I’m having my hysterectomy Nov 20th and we have no children. I have always dreamed of having a family but knowing my health issues I figured it wouldn’t happen. I know everyone tells us to just adopt, plenty of kids need homes. That is true but it’s bigger than that and it’s not that easy. We, as husband and wife, need to go through the motions, the loss, the sadness, the guilt, and the healing. I would be more than happy to adopt but I want to adopt a newborn (atleast for our first child). It’s selfish, but I want the experience of raising a baby from day 1. The experience of being ‘mom and dad’ from the beginning. I’m getting emotional just writing this. I know we are not ready yet. I want to heal from the hysterectomy and thoroughly DEAL with the ups and downs.

If anything, it gives us something to look forward to. Love and Family is not always through blood. There is something beyond our loss. There is hope. I want to know that this is not the end. In a way, as I do my research, I’m excited.. Anyone’s personal experience with adoption are openly welcomed!

xoxo

Stage 4 Endo. Time for Hysterectomy

Today changes everything. My Dr finally gave me a stage. Stage 4, most severe and very aggressive endometriosis. He is sending me for a colonoscopy (wasn’t expecting this at all!) because of my current and past issues of bleeding with constipation and diarrhea. He’s worried of the possibility that the endo has burrowed inside my “poop shoot” (as he calls it so I understand). During past surgeries, the exterior of my bowels looked fine but he explained that the inside could be a different story. Truthfully, I think it will all be okay.. maybe just hemorrhoids. My intuition is usually pretty good when it comes to my body/health…. so hoping that I’m in the clear.

Next month though, I am having a partial hysterectomy. I will have my uterus and my right ovary removed. Leaving the left ovary so that I don’t completely lose all hormones. I am going to try to prolong the removal of my left ovary for as long as possible. 9 out of 10 I will eventually need to have it removed though. He also plans to remove the endo that’s on my right bilateral ligament and nerves, if still there. I see the neurologist tomorrow and am curious to see where he thinks my nerve pain is derived from whether it be my back or pelvic region.

Most women and especially young women as myself, would be upset about a hysterectomy.. but I’m not. I feel like this gives me control of what is going on. Now I know that this isn’t a cure, I very well could continue to have pain and endo. BUT it will help. I don’t feel that I will be less of a woman without a period/uterus. I’ve been dealing with the loss of not being able to have children for many years now, a hysterectomy will only help me close that chapter and start new. I realize that there may be more emotions and feelings to come still before and after the surgery but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve been fighting my own body for far too long! I can and WILL handle what ever life may throw at me, it’s what I do. 🙂

xoxo

My Invisible Illness-You May Not Know

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Endometriosis/PCOS/Infertility
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2013
3. But I had symptoms since: 2012
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Never having children & living with pain EVERYDAY of my life.
5. Most people assume: I exaggerate/fake it.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Moving around/Showering/Getting dressed with severe pain.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: The Doctors
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: Phone
9. The hardest part about nights are: Trying to lay down in bed when my body hurts so badly from the current day.
10. Each day I take 3+ pills & vitamins.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I:  have tried Fertility treatments, Surgeries, Birth Control, Lupron, Herbal Meds and they did not work. I’m contemplating a hysterectomy that will definitely help.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Not sure but I think people would better understand an illness that was more visible.
13. Regarding working and career: It’s nearly impossible. I hardly make it through the day, the days that I am able to actually work.
14. People would be surprised to know: that I have spent 6+ THOUSAND Dollars on trying to conceive a baby and IVF would cost me an additional $15,000 per try.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: I will never have children.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: make it through the day.
17. The commercials about my illness: depict barbed wire wrapped around my abdomen. Pretty accurate.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: having a sexual relationship with my husband.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: having a family. No one will ever understand that loss.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Blogging.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:  try to get pregnant.
22. My illness has taught me: to be thankful for everything that I do have in my life.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: I know someone who got pregnant with what you have, it’s not impossible. You’re still young you have many years to get pregnant. (NO I don’t have many years and NO it’s NOT that easy for EVERYONE to get pregnant. My disease is very severe.)
24. But I love it when people: try to understand and don’t judge/attack me for the truth of my disease.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Never Give Up. When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It’s not going to be easy but don’t give up.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how quickly people/friends/family will judge you and how people think they get it when in fact they have no idea.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: My husband listens to me, rubs me when I’m sore, helps pick up the house and takes care of the animals when I can’t.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I want people to be more aware of Endometriosis and how life altering it really is.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: good.

Excuses

As my phone buzzes with a text message from my grandmother (father’s mother) I instantly realize our lives are filled with excuses. We make excuses for the people that hurt us to sugar coat what they have done or we force ourselves to believe their excuses for why they have failed us once again.

She’s concerned because she hasn’t heard from me in awhile. Well I think about it for a moment and I ask myself is she really even being genuine. Does she actually even care? Answer.. Probably Not. And here’s why..

I had a sexual abuse case opened against her husband (my step grandfather) around the age of 14, not by my choice per say, but by children’s services after explaining to them how he treated me and the things he had done. My grandmother bashed me with EVERY EXPLICIT WORD OR NAME you could think of. She didn’t speak to me for over a year and still to this day thinks I’m a liar; although she no longer lives with him, they are still married. I always made the excuse “That’s her husband so she’s sticking up for him” BUT I’m her granddaughter.. what about me?? Mind you, her and I were extremely close prior to this.

Fast forward to my Graduation day at the age of 18. I had called my father and grandmother for months and months prior to this day. Neither of them would answer the phone or return my call. They acted as if I never existed. But it was ok for my father to drunk pocket dial me while out with his friends. When I’d call him back he wouldn’t answer. My graduation day came and went until one day I got a phone call from my grandmother explaining how she had been sick and that is why they never returned my phone calls. EXCUSE. For one why didn’t my father call to let me know that she was in the hospital? Why didn’t they atleast send a card or a phone call acknowledging my graduation? To this day I have never actually received any acknowledgment that I ever graduated from my father.

I did the nice thing by letting them be a part of my wedding. Traditionally, my father walked me down the aisle BUT not without my mom because ultimately she’s the only one that has always been there. A year after our wedding I was diagnosed with endometriosis and I was scheduled for surgery.

My grandmother insisted that she come up to help me (we live 2 hours apart) with my recovery. I was fine with that and thought it was a nice gesture. But two days before my surgery when I still hadn’t heard from her I called her to ask what time she would be here since my surgery was very early in the morning. She then told me she forgot that she promised the neighbor they would bake pies together so there was no way she could come up to be with me.

WAIT WHAT?! I just got blown off by my grandmother cause she had to bake pies?! WTF?! Why would you offer to help someone and then blow them off for pies? Right then and there. Excuses were out the door.

These people need to own up to these things. Not make us think that we need to make excuses for them. I live and learn every day.

So reading this message from her… does she honestly care… probably not at all. Though, she does lie a lot and she can be very fake and make you think that she cares. Only to turn around and treat you like shit and then make excuses for why she’s done that to you.

If someone hurts you, don’t make an excuse for them and don’t let them make excuses, they know what they are doing.

xoxo