I dream of getting the news of a newborn baby, of a beautiful babyshower, and shopping for little booties and onesies. One day my dream will come true. Maybe not tonight or 5 years from now. But it’s going to come true. I’m not sure how we will come up with the finances to bring a baby home but I really am determined. Now that I have come to the realization that I will never “give birth naturally” to a baby, I have more strength for the future. This has been so SO hard. I speak through my blog because YOU understand more than almost anyone physically around me. Everyone’s uplifting words, encouragement, and understanding is helping me more than I can express. This next journey in our lives will officially begin Nov 20th with my hysterectomy. It sounds so weird, but I’m looking forward to it. I need the closure. I’m a very realistic person and I CAN accept this because this is my destiny. It will mean the world to me to give a child a good, loving family that they may not of had otherwise. I am thankful for having a WONDERFUL, LOVING husband. We have stayed strong for each other through ALL of our ups and downs. One day our dream will come true. Our family will be complete.
Today I’m really struggling..
Have you ever felt like no one understands you? Or they really don’t care about you? That’s pretty much it for me. I’m not much for pretending to like people when I don’t or giving excuses all the time. And I really feel like it’s just me and absolutely no one gets me. Sometimes I want to just close up and not let anyone in. People ‘Act’ like they care but then ignore me when I decide to open up and talk about what is going on.
Truth is: I’m complicated. VERY complicated. I have experienced far more health issues, loss, and defeat than most 22 year olds ever will. I’m DIFFERENT. My mind doesn’t think about partying, I think about what am I going to do now? Where do I go from here? I don’t work at a job that I like. I’m having a hysterectomy and will never have biological children. I’m in debt due to my medical issues. I don’t like where I live. On top of it all no one understands me. Yes this is all the negative. But I feel defeated. After 5 years of trying for a baby.. and now I’m left worse than when I started. I looked up adoption and it’s going to be $20,000+ to adopt a baby. I don’t have that kind of money, I’ve never had that kind of money. Why does everything have to come with a price? Why can’t it come natural? I’ve worked so hard and nothing has gotten easier. I’m in so much pain today… I tell my friend and I get no reply. Maybe she’s tired of hearing me say it. I know I’m tired of feeling it. I need someone to decode my thoughts and tell me what I need to do.
I love being different and realize that most people couldn’t go through what I’m going through but I want to look forward to every day, not be counting down the minutes for it to end. I hurt more than ever… and it’s just me inside of this shell trying to escape.
Next week I have 3 Drs appointments scheduled. Monday I see my reproductive endocrinologist to find out if he will give me a hysterectomy. I asked for one back in April and he agreed that if I really wanted it he would do it but wanted me to try Lupron first. So I did. But now I feel I am ready to make the decision. I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to feel better. Yes, I know that this may not completely cure my endometriosis and other problems may arise. I still feel that it is best for me. I’ve faced a lot in knowing I will never have biological babies. But there is a reason for everything. I am stronger because of it and I appreciate life in so many more ways now.
My 2nd appointment is on Tuesday with the neurologist. I think this will give me more insight on whether the nerve damage in my leg from the endo will be able to be controlled. I do think this will be my problem area even after a hysterectomy because my RE is unable to remove the endo in that area. It is on a main artery and could create much greater problems for me like internal bleeding, skin grafts, and worse. Only time will tell. I JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER.
My 3rd is on Friday with my PCP to go over everything and maybe make some adjustments to my meds. She has given me tons of support and trying to steer me in the right direction address all of health issues correctly. It really feels good to have a Dr that truly cares and doesn’t just try to rush you out the door.
So big things are coming next week. TIME TO KICK ENDOS ASS!! I Am Never Giving Up! 😀
Today I made my neurologist appointment! Now that’s the next step. I’m not going til October because we are going on vacation next week and will be gone for a week and a half. BUT I already feel relieved that maybe there is something that they can do. I also plan on making an appointment with a new reproductive endocrinologist for next month. I’m faced with a lot of decisions.. and even MORE Drs but I have to believe something good will come from it.
I go back to my PCP this Thursday to find out if she would like to send me to a Pain Management Specialist. So far with the Vicodin and Elavil I’ve had a pretty good response but hormonally I have been all over the place. Mood Swings. Hot Flashes. Night Sweats. Abdominal & Back Pain. & more. Due to the Lupron I’ve only had one menstrual cycle in the past 5 months… but that’s the idea of Lupron – no estrogen, no menstrual cycle, no endo growth, no pain. If only it worked that way. I still have pain, intermittent menstrual cycles… and now I play the waiting game on when my cycle will start again… for all I know it could never be normal again. -Causing more problems.
Hmm.. Hysterectomy sounds even better. I already have the majority of menopausal side effects anyways… but atleast with the hysterectomy -No up and down hormones, chemically induced & I no longer would need to wonder, am I pregnant this month? “Stupid Bitch of course you’re NOT LOL!”
Decisions, Decisions. Ready to close this chapter. Everyday is a day closer. Is it too much to ask for my life back?
Here I am 21 years old. Dr says, “From your diagnosis you may never have kids without fertility treatments. We can try Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) or Invitro Fertilization (IVF) but it’s very expensive and there are certainly NO guarantees that it will work.” Just imagine this for a moment.
All of these thoughts in my head, how could this be, how could my dreams be crushed in an instant, why me?
We spent several thousand dollars and dug ourselves into debt. Why? Because we were chasing our dream. Did it work? No. Although we did not try IVF because that is 10s of thousands of dollars and on top of our current treatment debt we are in no way able to dig further. But the chances of it working? UP TO a 40% chance. MAYBE. If you’re lucky. On top of that, could my body handle it? Treatments make my endo worse so chances are, no I couldn’t handle it.
But just take a minute and put yourself into my shoes. How would you feel if this news came to you after 4 years of trying to conceive.
Yes, Miracles happen everyday; however I can’t live my life everyday expecting a miracle to happen. So here I am almost 22years old honestly thinking about a hysterectomy. I want to close this chapter. I don’t want to continue to live with a what if or maybe a miracle will happen. Because frankly that f*cks with my head and emotions beyond belief.
I was asked the other day point blank, “So right now in this moment do you have any chance of getting pregnant – is there anything that they can do or you can take that will work?” This really made me think and made things much clearer for myself. The answer is no. There are no true treatments for endo. Fertility treatments did not work. There is nothing that they can do. But at 21 I should not have to face this. I should not have to feel like I have failed as a woman. Or be deprived of what many women around me can do so easily.
This happened to me because I’m supposed to be able to handle this and maybe you, the person that is reading this or that girl who is 8 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child, couldn’t.
Don’t get me wrong I am extremely grateful for the life that I have been given. I have an amazing husband who busts his ass everyday to put food on the table and take care of me when I am hurting beyond words. My mom is one of my biggest supporters. I have been inspired by my Aunt who has been diagnosed with cancer, to keep on fighting. And my animals keep me smiling day in and day out.
But please don’t judge me, please try to understand. I have a disease that is incurable and most days my body hates me. I’m grieving the loss of having children. I have my ups and downs. Some days I want to talk about it, other days I don’t want anyone even mentioning it. Naturally, I’m filled with anger, guilt, jealousy, sadness, and loss. But I’m working on it. I’m working on being a better me. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, I just want you to be aware.
Unless you are faced with this you may never truly understand but atleast you can try.
Just imagine this and walk in my shoes.
I have never been a smoker and have never condoned it. My Aunt is currently battling Small Cell Lung Cancer which is likely caused by being a long time smoker. Lung cancer is the LEADING CANCER KILLER IN THE U.S. (and I bet that will surprise a few people, but should it?)
Lung cancer deaths can be prevented by both screenings and quitting smoking.
For more information about Lung Cancer Screening follow this link!
That being said…
I am beyond happy that CVS has taken the initiative to STOP selling tobacco products! This is a MAJOR move but as a leading pharmacy, it only makes sense that they take a preventative measure against major health issues caused by tobacco. I am really hoping that other pharmacies and companies follow their lead in an effort to protect the people and raise awareness.
For more information about CVS & their stand against tobacco follow this link!
I think this is very helpful!! Positivity is SO IMPORTANT!
So many people get the diagnosis of cancer at their doctors’ visits and forget everything else after the word cancer that the doctor says. Well, I hope that this article will help you if you recently got diagnosed. Here are a few things that I recommend.
First off, don’t blame yourself for your cancer. Blame your cancer on global warming, on anything but yourself. Even if your diet or lifestyle habits aren’t the best, you still shouldn’t blame yourself. It isn’t like you decided one morning that you wanted to have cancer, no one wants cancer. Blaming yourself for cancer isn’t going to be beneficial at all.
After you have a few days to digest the diagnosis, I suggest that you get a notebook with a folder pocket in it. If you can’t find one then get a 3 ring binder and put a notebook and a folder in it…
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