I’m sitting here thinking tonight, maybe for the good, maybe for the bad. It has been just over 3 months since I have spoken to my mom, aside from the “Happy Thanksgiving. I love you” text and “Merry Christmas from the both of us. Love you.” text that I received. I replied to the Thanksgiving text and the conversation went no further. So for that I did not reply to the Christmas text. I feel deeply that if someone wants a relationship with you, they will not allow the only time they communicate with you to be a holiday, especially a parent. I mean it’s my MOM! She was my best friend. What happened to that?
Since my mom deactivated her facebook and her wife “M” blocked my husband and I on facebook, I have completely lost touch with her life. Mind you they did this before I had even expressed any feelings to them about their relationship or about M. (I have no problem with same sex marriage, it is strictly the way M treats my mom. I grew up in a very stable same sex home with a woman my mom was with for 14+years). I heard through the grape vine that she’s on vacation traveling in Florida right now. Oh how lovely. I can’t help but wonder if it’s going as shitty as the vacation my husband and I went on with them in September.
I spoke to my mom’s best friend, or former best friend.. because my mom won’t talk to her anymore since M is in the picture. She said she’s tried to contact my mom to see how she’s doing and told her she misses her. No reply. It infuriates me, that my mom’s friend that has been there since I was born (20 something years), is getting pushed away just as I am. I know my mom. She is the type of person that can walk away from someone and never talk to them again. When she’s done, she’s done. But her own daughter and BEST friend. Really!? I would like to think that if I reached out to her she would respond but I just don’t know anymore. I’ve never went a week without hearing from my mom let alone 3 months. Granted I was the one that lost it on the phone and hung up, I truthfully had every right to do so. I simply wanted a one on one conversation with my mom in private and she could not respect me enough to do that. She pushed for all of these things to come out but once they did, they did not want to hear what I had to say really. In a way, I feel like this is what M wanted. She wanted us to fight and sever our relationship so she could once again control every aspect of my mom’s life.
M wanted to agree to disagree. Well I can’t do that because of the person I strongly believe that she is. I can’t just brush it all aside and act like what I feel is not valid just to make everyone happy. That’s not me. She wants to say this all is a big misunderstanding but it’s not. I understand exactly the way she is and so does she. She admitted that she has these issues of acting out and being rude and nasty to people. Well I’m sorry, but why would I put myself in a situation for someone to put myself and others down. I refuse. So does this mean I can’t have a relationship with my mom because I don’t want to be around M? I would hope not, but that’s the way it seems. I could put aside my differences to do a family get together with all of my family but at this point I would not go to dinner with just them and my husband I. I tried for nearly a year to see the good in M, to look past all of these things that bothered me but sometimes you get to that point where you can’t be fake and you have to face the reality. So this is the reality.
I went through this with my father but slightly different. He was absent for most of my childhood and for 4 years while I was very young I did not hear from him at all. Just recently we went 3 years without seeing each other and minimal communication. Is he a bad guy? No. He was an alcoholic and just not good at being a “parent”. I’ve accepted that. It took me many years to accept that and it actually started with my marriage. I realized, that I was starting my own life and family and what’s done is done. If you want to be here, great. If you don’t, I have my own life now. In a way I was prepped my whole life for this very thing. But I never expected it from my mom. She wasn’t that person to let me down or turn her back. Now, I sit here questioning her… and asking what makes her any better than my father at this point? The very thing she ridiculed my father for, turning his back on me, she’s now doing… because of.. someone else? Seriously?
Well, it’s been about a year since I last posted. I’m a little over a year post hysterectomy and a lot has changed since then. I have literally went through hell and back.. and still trying to figure things out. Basically, I am very thankful that I had the surgery to help my endometriosis.. and it has quite a bit.. I still have some pain… more on some days than others. Things were pretty good right after recovery but not long after things went wrong in my life. My husband and I split for a few months while I tried to figure myself out and what I truly wanted. I think realizing that I would never be able to give him kids and all my life plans had suddenly changed I thought maybe it was time to change the direction of my life. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for marriage? Maybe I was never meant to have a family? Maybe I’m different than I was before? So I explored… I cried alot.. I drank alot.. I vomited alot… I starved myself alot.. and above all else I went against all my morals… and I dated someone else. I dropped 20lbs quick and my body image was drastically better but I wasn’t happy. The guy I was seeing was such an asshole… gave me the run around alot.. tried controlling me.. and made me feel like shit. I thought why did I give up my good marriage just to be torn down. Over the years, my husband always said, if you leave, then you leave, I can’t make you stay. So when I asked for a separation, I didn’t expect him to fight much… but boy was I wrong. I thought he had gone crazy… He chased me down.. he bought me flowers.. he begged to come home.. he wrote me letters and it was a side to him that I had never seen before. It really put things into perspective for me. He truly loved me. No one has ever showed me that, to that extent, in my life. Thankfully we were able to work on things.. and it is still a struggle because he still feels I could leave at any moment which isn’t the case. But in a way this experience has humbled me, I don’t judge so much and I try to understand more because you never know the reasons someone does the things that they do. I struggle with these inner demons because of the cards I’ve been dealt and I know now the fight is very much worth it. Don’t let anyone come between you and your partner (as long as you’re in a healthy relationship). During this time my “best friend” was living with us and now I can look back and see the negative influence he had on me as well as the other people I had in my life. It was horrible.
Through this experience, I have also lost my relationship with my mom. My mom has always been my best friend so to no longer speak to her is very hard. She met someone, who she had previously been with some 17 years ago, and within 2 months of “dating” they married. I chose to support her, even though I had many doubts about her new partner I’ll call “M”. M tends to manipulate my mom in many ways which I am not ok with. M has a good career and makes pretty good money, can go on multiple vacations and do much more than my mom could do on her own. It plays a big role in things. M tends to be jealous and controlling… not only did my relationship with my mom go down the drain but so did my mom’s relationship with her very close friends and family. It’s rather sad.. and makes me extremely angry… My mom finally pushed me to say what I was feeling and I pretty much exploded on her and M… I basically feel that M brings so much negativity into my life I don’t want that around me. I’m at a point that I need people that want to grow in life instead of tearing people down. My mom can choose to be in it but I will not. SO… I have had almost no contact with my mom in 3 months. She couldn’t even give me the respect to talk with me in private without M around… so I kinda see where things stand. I’ll let her make that move… because now I know who my family is.. who loves me… who supports me.. and who always will. Ultimately it’s my husband. He has been there since day one.. and 6years later… he is still here standing proudly by my side, mistakes and all. This shall catch ya up so far… I will continue to update more later… It’s been a rollercoaster but I’m hanging on for the ride!
Today, while at the hospital getting blood work for possible anemia (all came back ok) I overhead a woman talking while holding her newborn child. She was explaining to another woman how her newborn baby girl was her miracle baby. She became pregnant with her now newborn 1 year after having partial removal of both tubes and having them tied. Pregnancy only happens to approximately 5 out of 1,000 women after the 1yr mark. She was shocked and stunned but instantly thought it was a tubal… she went to the ER and they confirmed she was 6 weeks with a healthy pregnancy implanted within the uterus. Her due date was Dec 26 and she came a week early. During her C-section the Dr confirmed that her tubes grew completely back and the little “hairs and fingers” of the tubes reattached to the ovary.
For me, this confirms in life, that miracles do happen. If something is meant to be, it will happen. I was not so fortunate but there are so many that are and I am grateful for that. I was secretly overjoyed for this mom. I’m starting to think that maybe just maybe, my bitterness towards pregnant women is improving. I have noticed since having my hysterectomy nearly 5 weeks ago my outlook has changed. I’m maturing, I’m growing, I’m stronger and I’m becoming a better person. I’m closing one chapter, opening a new one. I can be very “black and white” when it comes to life and I needed to know that this struggle was over and be done with all the what-ifs or maybes.
Here’s to a better 2015!
One week until my hysterectomy, I had a huge blow out with “Step” Father-in-law. The problem lies with the things he has been saying to my much younger brother and sister-in-law. My husband and I treat them as if they are our own children. Take them to do fun, exciting, things and try to spend as much time with them as we can. But I learned over dinner tonight from my 7yr old BIL that my FIL is telling them that I don’t work and that I’m lazy and sit on my ass. (Mind you he is on disability but physically ABLE TO WORK, it’s an injury to his arm/shoulder.) No, I’m not able to work everyday due to the physical pain I have BUT regardless of me going to work or not I take care of all of the house work and our 5 animals. Husband does most outside housework. I am not lazy. My Father-in-law on the other hand thinks that he’s the King of his house and does not need to help with their 2 kids, nor does he need to do ANY of the housework including: vacuuming, dishes, cooking. laundry, cleaning, or bathing their 4 animals. He expects to be served and the woman (who DOES WORK TOO) to do everything for him while he sleeps all day, goes out when he wants to, and buys and smoke pot when he pleases. To me THAT’S lazy.
The part that bothers me is that this is the second time he has told the kids something bad about me (that I know of). They are our world. When I confronted him, he went and beat and yelled at my 7yr old BIL. He’s getting punished for something his father did. Makes lot of sense right? NOT!
He continued to tell me I am no longer to step foot in their house again, mind you it’s not his house…. ha. My mother-in-law was crying and apologized to me. But this comes just one month after I made amends with some prior things they did to us, I’m left with this. I don’t deserve to be made out like such a bad person when I do more for them and with them than he ever will. It hurts. I don’t care what he thinks of me, everyone is entitled to an opinion, but to tell the kids these things and paint me in a negative way. They don’t understand. I wasn’t raised this way. I was raised with respect. I’m at a loss of what to do now. I’m so angry and upset especially that my BIL was punished for something that wasn’t his fault. I’m not the “bite your tongue” type. What’s wrong is wrong. What’s right is right and I refuse to be disrespected in such a way especially by a man. (I’ve been verbally and physically abused by men in the past.)
I need to deal with this, but I feel like living here, away from my family, I just keep getting kicked when I’m already down, constantly.
I drive around these old dusty roads
Pitch black with only the light of the moon
My mind is somewhere off in space
How did I even make it home tonight?
Every twist and every turn
Is burned into my memory
As the music plays
I relive the past.
I remember the first time, the first time
I drove down this old road
Now all I want
Is to just pick up and leave
Why can’t it be that easy?
A black night
A blue day
It’s all the same.
Listening to the music as it plays
Although it reflects
Many darker days,
I find truth in it
In so many ways.
“Through the eye
Of the storm
You are never alone
Even through, the shadows
You are never alone”
I’m so close
To the eye of my storm
Down these old back roads
Just to mourn.
As I seek change
I will always
Grow through the pain.
(Lyrics by Killswitch Engage)
Poem by yours truly.
I dream of getting the news of a newborn baby, of a beautiful babyshower, and shopping for little booties and onesies. One day my dream will come true. Maybe not tonight or 5 years from now. But it’s going to come true. I’m not sure how we will come up with the finances to bring a baby home but I really am determined. Now that I have come to the realization that I will never “give birth naturally” to a baby, I have more strength for the future. This has been so SO hard. I speak through my blog because YOU understand more than almost anyone physically around me. Everyone’s uplifting words, encouragement, and understanding is helping me more than I can express. This next journey in our lives will officially begin Nov 20th with my hysterectomy. It sounds so weird, but I’m looking forward to it. I need the closure. I’m a very realistic person and I CAN accept this because this is my destiny. It will mean the world to me to give a child a good, loving family that they may not of had otherwise. I am thankful for having a WONDERFUL, LOVING husband. We have stayed strong for each other through ALL of our ups and downs. One day our dream will come true. Our family will be complete.
Tonight, I decided to look up some information on adoption. As I have said before I’m having my hysterectomy Nov 20th and we have no children. I have always dreamed of having a family but knowing my health issues I figured it wouldn’t happen. I know everyone tells us to just adopt, plenty of kids need homes. That is true but it’s bigger than that and it’s not that easy. We, as husband and wife, need to go through the motions, the loss, the sadness, the guilt, and the healing. I would be more than happy to adopt but I want to adopt a newborn (atleast for our first child). It’s selfish, but I want the experience of raising a baby from day 1. The experience of being ‘mom and dad’ from the beginning. I’m getting emotional just writing this. I know we are not ready yet. I want to heal from the hysterectomy and thoroughly DEAL with the ups and downs.
If anything, it gives us something to look forward to. Love and Family is not always through blood. There is something beyond our loss. There is hope. I want to know that this is not the end. In a way, as I do my research, I’m excited.. Anyone’s personal experience with adoption are openly welcomed!