Stage 4 Endo. Time for Hysterectomy

Today changes everything. My Dr finally gave me a stage. Stage 4, most severe and very aggressive endometriosis. He is sending me for a colonoscopy (wasn’t expecting this at all!) because of my current and past issues of bleeding with constipation and diarrhea. He’s worried of the possibility that the endo has burrowed inside my “poop shoot” (as he calls it so I understand). During past surgeries, the exterior of my bowels looked fine but he explained that the inside could be a different story. Truthfully, I think it will all be okay.. maybe just hemorrhoids. My intuition is usually pretty good when it comes to my body/health…. so hoping that I’m in the clear.

Next month though, I am having a partial hysterectomy. I will have my uterus and my right ovary removed.¬†Leaving the left ovary so that I don’t completely lose all hormones. I am going to try to prolong the removal of my left ovary for as long as possible. 9 out of 10 I will eventually need to have it removed though. He also plans to remove the endo that’s on my right bilateral ligament and nerves, if still there. I see the neurologist tomorrow and am curious to see where he thinks my nerve pain is derived from whether it be my back or pelvic region.

Most women and especially young women as myself, would be upset about a hysterectomy.. but I’m not. I feel like this gives me control of what is going on. Now I know that this isn’t a cure, I very well could continue to have pain and endo. BUT it will help. I don’t feel that I will be less of a woman without a period/uterus. I’ve been dealing with the loss of not being able to have children for many years now, a hysterectomy will only help me close that chapter and start new. I realize that there may be more emotions and feelings to come still before and after the surgery but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve been fighting my own body for far too long! I can and WILL handle what ever life may throw at me, it’s what I do. ūüôā

xoxo

The next step

Today I made my neurologist¬†appointment! Now that’s the next step. I’m not going til October because we are going on vacation next week and will be gone for a week and a half. BUT I already feel relieved that maybe there is something that they can do. I also plan on making an appointment with a new reproductive endocrinologist for next month. I’m faced with a lot of decisions.. and even MORE Drs but I have to believe something good will come from it.

I go back to my PCP this Thursday to find out if she would like to send me to a Pain Management Specialist. So far with the Vicodin and Elavil I’ve had a pretty good response but hormonally I have been all over the place. Mood Swings. Hot Flashes. Night Sweats. Abdominal & Back¬†Pain. & more. Due to the Lupron I’ve only had one menstrual cycle in the past 5 months… but that’s the idea of Lupron – no estrogen, no menstrual cycle, no endo growth, no pain. If only it worked that way. I still have pain, intermittent menstrual cycles… and now I play the waiting game on when my cycle will start again… for all I know it could never be normal again. -Causing more problems.

Hmm.. Hysterectomy sounds even better. I¬†already have¬†the majority of¬†menopausal side effects anyways… but atleast with the hysterectomy -No up and down hormones, chemically induced & I¬†no longer would need to wonder, am I¬†pregnant this month? “Stupid Bitch of course you’re NOT LOL!”

Decisions, Decisions. Ready to close this chapter. Everyday is a day closer. Is it too much to ask for my life back?

xoxo

Imagine This

Here I am 21 years old. Dr says, “From your diagnosis you¬†may never have kids without fertility treatments. We can try Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) or Invitro Fertilization (IVF) but it’s very expensive and there are certainly NO guarantees that it will work.” Just imagine this for a moment.

All of these thoughts in my head, how could this be, how could my dreams be crushed in an instant, why me?

We spent several thousand dollars and dug ourselves into debt. Why? Because we were chasing our dream. Did it work? No. Although we did not try IVF because that¬†is 10s of thousands of dollars and on top of our current treatment debt we are in no way able to dig further. But the chances of it working? UP TO a 40% chance. MAYBE. If you’re lucky. On top of that, could my body handle it? Treatments make¬†my endo worse so chances are, no I couldn’t handle it.

But just take a minute and put yourself into my shoes. How would you feel if this news came to you after 4 years of trying to conceive.

Yes, Miracles happen everyday; however I can’t live my life everyday expecting a miracle to happen. So here I am¬†almost 22years old honestly thinking about a hysterectomy. I want to close this chapter. I don’t want to continue to live with a what if or maybe a miracle will happen. Because frankly that f*cks with my head and¬†emotions beyond belief.

I was asked the other day point blank, “So right now in this moment do you have any chance of getting pregnant – is there anything that they can do or you can take that will work?” This really made me think and made things much clearer for myself. The answer is no. There¬†are no true treatments for endo. Fertility treatments did not work. There is nothing that they can do. But at 21 I should not have to face this. I should not have to feel like I have failed as a woman. Or be¬†deprived of what many women around me can do so easily.

This happened to me because I’m supposed to be able to handle this and maybe you, the person that is reading this or that girl who is 8 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child, couldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong I am extremely grateful for the life that I have been given. I have an amazing husband who busts his ass everyday to put food on the table and take care of me when I am hurting beyond words. My mom is one of my biggest supporters. I have been inspired by my Aunt who has been diagnosed with cancer, to keep on fighting. And my animals keep me smiling day in and day out.

But please don’t judge me, please try to understand. I have a disease that is incurable¬†and most days my body hates me. I’m grieving the loss of having children.¬†I have my ups and downs. Some days I want to talk about it, other days I don’t want anyone even mentioning it. Naturally,¬†I’m filled with anger, guilt, jealousy, sadness, and loss. But I’m working on it. I’m working on being a better me. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, I just want you to be aware.

Unless you are faced with this you may never truly understand but atleast you can try.

Just imagine this and walk in my shoes.

 

xoxo

 

 

What to do if you were recently diagnosed with cancer

I think this is very helpful!! Positivity is SO IMPORTANT!

Cards of Hope

go daddy picture counseling small

So many people get the diagnosis of cancer at their doctors’ visits and forget everything else after the word cancer that the doctor says.  Well, I hope that this article will help you if you recently got diagnosed.  Here are a few things that I recommend.

First off, don’t blame yourself for your cancer.  Blame your cancer on global warming, on anything but yourself.  Even if your diet or lifestyle habits aren’t the best, you still shouldn’t blame yourself. It isn’t like you decided one morning that you wanted to have cancer, no one wants cancer.  Blaming yourself for cancer isn’t going to be beneficial at all.

After you have a few days to digest the diagnosis, I suggest that you get a notebook with a folder pocket in it.  If you can’t find one then get a 3 ring binder and put a notebook and a folder in it…

View original post 276 more words

One step forward, Two steps back

Today marks one week since I started the Vicodin and Elavil. This entire past week I have been feeling relatively good, not much pain and my nerve pain virtually gone. I have been experiencing headaches but not sure if it’s from the meds or it’s¬†just the good ole’ Ohio weather.

BUT TODAY, I decided to scrub down the shower since I haven’t felt good enough to do it in the past few months (I know that’s gross but that’s the one thing I struggle with because it’s hard for me to get on my hands and knees and REALLY get it clean.). Everything was fine until my right leg gave out from under me. I literally did the splits and twisted my entire leg and hip. Maybe this wouldn’t be a big deal for some people but for me this meant a world of hurt. Luckily I was able to stand up because for a moment I didn’t think I was going to be able to.

Now, my entire right side of my stomach, my leg and hip are in an enormous amount of pain. So here I lie on the couch with my pain pills and heating pad hoping that I will feel better tomorrow. Something that may have been nothing to someone relatively healthy, means to me that for the next week I may be ‘Out of Service’. Bummer ūüė¶

xoxo

Cards Of Hope for Cancer Patients

Please visit: Cards Of Hope’s Blog.

I feel this is 100% worth sharing! My Aunt is battling Small Cell Lung Cancer and Cards of Hope is going to help encourage her by sending her Cards in the mail. This makes me so happy and thankful that there is someone doing something so great like this out there. So if you are battling cancer or have a loved one that is keep Cards Of Hope in mind, you just may change someone’s life.

My Aunt is a very strong woman and a fighter. I want her to always be reminded that she will win this battle, she has the FIGHT in her!

Thank you again Cards Of Hope.

FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!!!!

**UPDATE** — My Aunt received her first card in the mail and appreciated it greatly! It made her feel so good and uplifted!–

xoxo