Kicked When You’re Already Down

One week until my hysterectomy, I had a huge blow out with “Step” Father-in-law. The problem lies with the things he has been saying to my much younger brother and sister-in-law. My husband and I treat them as if they are our own children. Take them to do fun, exciting, things and try to spend as much time with them as we can. But I learned over dinner tonight from my 7yr old BIL that my FIL is telling them that I don’t work and that I’m lazy and sit on my ass. (Mind you he is on disability but physically ABLE TO WORK, it’s an injury to his arm/shoulder.) No, I’m not able to work everyday due to the physical pain I have BUT regardless of me going to work or not I take care of all of the house work and our 5 animals. Husband does most outside housework. I am not lazy. My Father-in-law on the other hand thinks that he’s the King of his house and does not need to help with their 2 kids, nor does he need to do ANY of the housework including: vacuuming, dishes, cooking. laundry, cleaning, or bathing their 4 animals. He expects to be served and the woman (who DOES WORK TOO) to do everything for him while he sleeps all day, goes out when he wants to, and buys and smoke pot when he pleases. To me THAT’S lazy.

The part that bothers me is that this is the second time he has told the kids something bad about me (that I know of). They are our world. When I confronted him, he went and beat and yelled at my 7yr old BIL. He’s getting punished for something his father did. Makes lot of sense right? NOT!

He continued to tell me I am no longer to step foot in their house again, mind you it’s not his house…. ha. My mother-in-law was crying and apologized to me. But this comes just one month after I made amends with some prior things they did to us, I’m left with this. I don’t deserve to be made out like such a bad person when I do more for them and with them than he ever will. It hurts. I don’t care what he thinks of me, everyone is entitled to an opinion, but to tell the kids these things and paint me in a negative way. They don’t understand. I wasn’t raised this way. I was raised with respect. I’m at a loss of what to do now. I’m so angry and upset especially that my BIL was punished for something that wasn’t his fault. I’m not the “bite your tongue” type. What’s wrong is wrong. What’s right is right and I refuse to be disrespected in such a way especially by a man. (I’ve been verbally and physically abused by men in the past.)

I need to deal with this, but I feel like living here, away from my family, I just keep getting kicked when I’m already down, constantly.

My poem of Change

I drive around these old dusty roads
Pitch black with only the light of the moon
My mind is somewhere off in space
How did I even make it home tonight?

Every twist and every turn
Is burned into my memory
As the music plays
I relive the past.

I remember the first time, the first time
I drove down this old road
Now all I want
Is to just pick up and leave
Why can’t it be that easy?

A black night
A blue day
Around here
It’s all the same.

Listening to the music as it plays
Although it reflects
Many darker days,
I find truth in it
In so many ways.

“Through the eye
Of the storm
You are never alone
Even through, the shadows
You are never alone”

I’m so close
To the eye of my storm
Down these old back roads
Just to mourn.

My loss,
My strength
The lesson,
The gain
As I seek change
I will always
Grow through the pain.

(Lyrics by Killswitch Engage)
Poem by yours truly.
xoxo

Stage 4 Endo. Time for Hysterectomy

Today changes everything. My Dr finally gave me a stage. Stage 4, most severe and very aggressive endometriosis. He is sending me for a colonoscopy (wasn’t expecting this at all!) because of my current and past issues of bleeding with constipation and diarrhea. He’s worried of the possibility that the endo has burrowed inside my “poop shoot” (as he calls it so I understand). During past surgeries, the exterior of my bowels looked fine but he explained that the inside could be a different story. Truthfully, I think it will all be okay.. maybe just hemorrhoids. My intuition is usually pretty good when it comes to my body/health…. so hoping that I’m in the clear.

Next month though, I am having a partial hysterectomy. I will have my uterus and my right ovary removed. Leaving the left ovary so that I don’t completely lose all hormones. I am going to try to prolong the removal of my left ovary for as long as possible. 9 out of 10 I will eventually need to have it removed though. He also plans to remove the endo that’s on my right bilateral ligament and nerves, if still there. I see the neurologist tomorrow and am curious to see where he thinks my nerve pain is derived from whether it be my back or pelvic region.

Most women and especially young women as myself, would be upset about a hysterectomy.. but I’m not. I feel like this gives me control of what is going on. Now I know that this isn’t a cure, I very well could continue to have pain and endo. BUT it will help. I don’t feel that I will be less of a woman without a period/uterus. I’ve been dealing with the loss of not being able to have children for many years now, a hysterectomy will only help me close that chapter and start new. I realize that there may be more emotions and feelings to come still before and after the surgery but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve been fighting my own body for far too long! I can and WILL handle what ever life may throw at me, it’s what I do. 🙂

xoxo

Imagine This

Here I am 21 years old. Dr says, “From your diagnosis you may never have kids without fertility treatments. We can try Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) or Invitro Fertilization (IVF) but it’s very expensive and there are certainly NO guarantees that it will work.” Just imagine this for a moment.

All of these thoughts in my head, how could this be, how could my dreams be crushed in an instant, why me?

We spent several thousand dollars and dug ourselves into debt. Why? Because we were chasing our dream. Did it work? No. Although we did not try IVF because that is 10s of thousands of dollars and on top of our current treatment debt we are in no way able to dig further. But the chances of it working? UP TO a 40% chance. MAYBE. If you’re lucky. On top of that, could my body handle it? Treatments make my endo worse so chances are, no I couldn’t handle it.

But just take a minute and put yourself into my shoes. How would you feel if this news came to you after 4 years of trying to conceive.

Yes, Miracles happen everyday; however I can’t live my life everyday expecting a miracle to happen. So here I am almost 22years old honestly thinking about a hysterectomy. I want to close this chapter. I don’t want to continue to live with a what if or maybe a miracle will happen. Because frankly that f*cks with my head and emotions beyond belief.

I was asked the other day point blank, “So right now in this moment do you have any chance of getting pregnant – is there anything that they can do or you can take that will work?” This really made me think and made things much clearer for myself. The answer is no. There are no true treatments for endo. Fertility treatments did not work. There is nothing that they can do. But at 21 I should not have to face this. I should not have to feel like I have failed as a woman. Or be deprived of what many women around me can do so easily.

This happened to me because I’m supposed to be able to handle this and maybe you, the person that is reading this or that girl who is 8 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child, couldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong I am extremely grateful for the life that I have been given. I have an amazing husband who busts his ass everyday to put food on the table and take care of me when I am hurting beyond words. My mom is one of my biggest supporters. I have been inspired by my Aunt who has been diagnosed with cancer, to keep on fighting. And my animals keep me smiling day in and day out.

But please don’t judge me, please try to understand. I have a disease that is incurable and most days my body hates me. I’m grieving the loss of having children. I have my ups and downs. Some days I want to talk about it, other days I don’t want anyone even mentioning it. Naturally, I’m filled with anger, guilt, jealousy, sadness, and loss. But I’m working on it. I’m working on being a better me. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, I just want you to be aware.

Unless you are faced with this you may never truly understand but atleast you can try.

Just imagine this and walk in my shoes.

 

xoxo