So since having hysterectomy in November.. things haven’t gone “smoothly”. Went for my post op today and I had some complaints about not being able to pee, constant itching, and high liver numbers from blood test 2 weeks ago.
Well Dr checked, I’m not passing urine.. my bladder is “lazy”. He is puzzled as to how this happened especially so far out from surgery. So they had to catheterize me to release the urine and catheter won’t come out til Tuesday after they fill my bladder with fluid and see if I can pass it on my own. If I can’t, catheter goes back in and on to the urologist.
Next thing is Liver enzymes. I had my blood work done again.. if my liver numbers are still high then I’m on to a hepatologist. I’ve had elevated liver enzymes in the past.. but not as high as they currently are and not in so many areas. With a family history of liver disease/complications/transplants, my Dr and I are very concerned.
Just when I thought it was over.. it’s really just begun. Oh, and.. don’t forget all these damn medical bills that I haven’t even touched and now building even more. I need a break! 😦
Today, while at the hospital getting blood work for possible anemia (all came back ok) I overhead a woman talking while holding her newborn child. She was explaining to another woman how her newborn baby girl was her miracle baby. She became pregnant with her now newborn 1 year after having partial removal of both tubes and having them tied. Pregnancy only happens to approximately 5 out of 1,000 women after the 1yr mark. She was shocked and stunned but instantly thought it was a tubal… she went to the ER and they confirmed she was 6 weeks with a healthy pregnancy implanted within the uterus. Her due date was Dec 26 and she came a week early. During her C-section the Dr confirmed that her tubes grew completely back and the little “hairs and fingers” of the tubes reattached to the ovary.
For me, this confirms in life, that miracles do happen. If something is meant to be, it will happen. I was not so fortunate but there are so many that are and I am grateful for that. I was secretly overjoyed for this mom. I’m starting to think that maybe just maybe, my bitterness towards pregnant women is improving. I have noticed since having my hysterectomy nearly 5 weeks ago my outlook has changed. I’m maturing, I’m growing, I’m stronger and I’m becoming a better person. I’m closing one chapter, opening a new one. I can be very “black and white” when it comes to life and I needed to know that this struggle was over and be done with all the what-ifs or maybes.
Here’s to a better 2015!
Today I’m really struggling..
Have you ever felt like no one understands you? Or they really don’t care about you? That’s pretty much it for me. I’m not much for pretending to like people when I don’t or giving excuses all the time. And I really feel like it’s just me and absolutely no one gets me. Sometimes I want to just close up and not let anyone in. People ‘Act’ like they care but then ignore me when I decide to open up and talk about what is going on.
Truth is: I’m complicated. VERY complicated. I have experienced far more health issues, loss, and defeat than most 22 year olds ever will. I’m DIFFERENT. My mind doesn’t think about partying, I think about what am I going to do now? Where do I go from here? I don’t work at a job that I like. I’m having a hysterectomy and will never have biological children. I’m in debt due to my medical issues. I don’t like where I live. On top of it all no one understands me. Yes this is all the negative. But I feel defeated. After 5 years of trying for a baby.. and now I’m left worse than when I started. I looked up adoption and it’s going to be $20,000+ to adopt a baby. I don’t have that kind of money, I’ve never had that kind of money. Why does everything have to come with a price? Why can’t it come natural? I’ve worked so hard and nothing has gotten easier. I’m in so much pain today… I tell my friend and I get no reply. Maybe she’s tired of hearing me say it. I know I’m tired of feeling it. I need someone to decode my thoughts and tell me what I need to do.
I love being different and realize that most people couldn’t go through what I’m going through but I want to look forward to every day, not be counting down the minutes for it to end. I hurt more than ever… and it’s just me inside of this shell trying to escape.
A guy (who is a regular at work) told me today “you’ve gotten ‘slower’ since you dyed your hair red.” At the time I wasn’t really thinking about it cause I was busy trying to get his transaction done. But now I’m sitting here thinking. What an ignorant ass comment to make. The truth is yea I am slowing down. NO it’s not because I ‘dyed my hair red’. It’s because every day my pain increases. Today especially, was a hard day for me. Constant cramping/stabbing pains. On top of it my stomach/bowels are acting up. I just love how people never once think about what they’re saying before they try to put you down for something that they have no idea about. 😦
On another note I’ve done some research and since I started the Lupron shot 6 months ago (I am done with it) my blood pressure has been high. But now that I am off of it my blood pressure is still not coming down. I’m considered Prehypertension, borderline High Blood Pressure. My pulse is higher than it used to be. I also ran a low grade fever the entire time I was on Lupron which was very odd for me since I’ve always ran rather low and lower than the norm. Thankfully my temp has come down recently but the blood pressure and pulse, no, it just keeps rising.
When I tell people I feel different, even if I can’t explain how/why I feel different, believe me I’m not the same at all. This is one of those instances where I can prove the difference as well as the 20+ lbs I have put on since April. I was 115 when I went on the shot..granted I had just been sick and lost a little weight. I am now up to 138-140lbs. I have NEVER weighed this much.. it might not be a lot to you but when I no longer fit into anything that I just recently bought because of weight gain, it upsets me. I just feel different. I don’t feel like me anymore.