Post Op, Oh No..

So since having hysterectomy in November.. things haven’t gone “smoothly”. Went for my post op today and I had some complaints about not being able to pee, constant itching, and high liver numbers from blood test 2 weeks ago.

Well Dr checked, I’m not passing urine.. my bladder is “lazy”. He is puzzled as to how this happened especially so far out from surgery. So they had to catheterize me to release the urine and catheter won’t come out til Tuesday after they fill my bladder with fluid and see if I can pass it on my own. If I can’t, catheter goes back in and on to the urologist.

Next thing is Liver enzymes. I had my blood work done again.. if my liver numbers are still high then I’m on to a hepatologist. I’ve had elevated liver enzymes in the past.. but not as high as they currently are and not in so many areas. With a family history of liver disease/complications/transplants, my Dr and I are very concerned.

Just when I thought it was over.. it’s really just begun. Oh, and.. don’t forget all these damn medical bills that I haven’t even touched and now building even more. I need a break! 😦

Kicked When You’re Already Down

One week until my hysterectomy, I had a huge blow out with “Step” Father-in-law. The problem lies with the things he has been saying to my much younger brother and sister-in-law. My husband and I treat them as if they are our own children. Take them to do fun, exciting, things and try to spend as much time with them as we can. But I learned over dinner tonight from my 7yr old BIL that my FIL is telling them that I don’t work and that I’m lazy and sit on my ass. (Mind you he is on disability but physically ABLE TO WORK, it’s an injury to his arm/shoulder.) No, I’m not able to work everyday due to the physical pain I have BUT regardless of me going to work or not I take care of all of the house work and our 5 animals. Husband does most outside housework. I am not lazy. My Father-in-law on the other hand thinks that he’s the King of his house and does not need to help with their 2 kids, nor does he need to do ANY of the housework including: vacuuming, dishes, cooking. laundry, cleaning, or bathing their 4 animals. He expects to be served and the woman (who DOES WORK TOO) to do everything for him while he sleeps all day, goes out when he wants to, and buys and smoke pot when he pleases. To me THAT’S lazy.

The part that bothers me is that this is the second time he has told the kids something bad about me (that I know of). They are our world. When I confronted him, he went and beat and yelled at my 7yr old BIL. He’s getting punished for something his father did. Makes lot of sense right? NOT!

He continued to tell me I am no longer to step foot in their house again, mind you it’s not his house…. ha. My mother-in-law was crying and apologized to me. But this comes just one month after I made amends with some prior things they did to us, I’m left with this. I don’t deserve to be made out like such a bad person when I do more for them and with them than he ever will. It hurts. I don’t care what he thinks of me, everyone is entitled to an opinion, but to tell the kids these things and paint me in a negative way. They don’t understand. I wasn’t raised this way. I was raised with respect. I’m at a loss of what to do now. I’m so angry and upset especially that my BIL was punished for something that wasn’t his fault. I’m not the “bite your tongue” type. What’s wrong is wrong. What’s right is right and I refuse to be disrespected in such a way especially by a man. (I’ve been verbally and physically abused by men in the past.)

I need to deal with this, but I feel like living here, away from my family, I just keep getting kicked when I’m already down, constantly.

I dream

I dream of getting the news of a newborn baby, of a beautiful babyshower, and shopping for little booties and onesies. One day my dream will come true. Maybe not tonight or 5 years from now. But it’s going to come true. I’m not sure how we will come up with the finances to bring a baby home but I really am determined. Now that I have come to the realization that I will never “give birth naturally” to a baby, I have more strength for the future. This has been so SO hard. I speak through my blog because YOU understand more than almost anyone physically around me. Everyone’s uplifting words, encouragement, and understanding is helping me more than I can express. This next journey in our lives will officially begin Nov 20th with my hysterectomy. It sounds so weird, but I’m looking forward to it. I need the closure. I’m a very realistic person and I CAN accept this because this is my destiny. It will mean the world to me to give a child a good, loving family that they may not of had otherwise. I am thankful for having a WONDERFUL, LOVING husband. We have stayed strong for each other through ALL of our ups and downs. One day our dream will come true. Our family will be complete.

My Invisible Illness-You May Not Know

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Endometriosis/PCOS/Infertility
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2013
3. But I had symptoms since: 2012
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Never having children & living with pain EVERYDAY of my life.
5. Most people assume: I exaggerate/fake it.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Moving around/Showering/Getting dressed with severe pain.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: The Doctors
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: Phone
9. The hardest part about nights are: Trying to lay down in bed when my body hurts so badly from the current day.
10. Each day I take 3+ pills & vitamins.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I:  have tried Fertility treatments, Surgeries, Birth Control, Lupron, Herbal Meds and they did not work. I’m contemplating a hysterectomy that will definitely help.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Not sure but I think people would better understand an illness that was more visible.
13. Regarding working and career: It’s nearly impossible. I hardly make it through the day, the days that I am able to actually work.
14. People would be surprised to know: that I have spent 6+ THOUSAND Dollars on trying to conceive a baby and IVF would cost me an additional $15,000 per try.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: I will never have children.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: make it through the day.
17. The commercials about my illness: depict barbed wire wrapped around my abdomen. Pretty accurate.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: having a sexual relationship with my husband.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: having a family. No one will ever understand that loss.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Blogging.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:  try to get pregnant.
22. My illness has taught me: to be thankful for everything that I do have in my life.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: I know someone who got pregnant with what you have, it’s not impossible. You’re still young you have many years to get pregnant. (NO I don’t have many years and NO it’s NOT that easy for EVERYONE to get pregnant. My disease is very severe.)
24. But I love it when people: try to understand and don’t judge/attack me for the truth of my disease.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Never Give Up. When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It’s not going to be easy but don’t give up.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how quickly people/friends/family will judge you and how people think they get it when in fact they have no idea.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: My husband listens to me, rubs me when I’m sore, helps pick up the house and takes care of the animals when I can’t.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I want people to be more aware of Endometriosis and how life altering it really is.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: good.