Imagine This

Here I am 21 years old. Dr says, “From your diagnosis you may never have kids without fertility treatments. We can try Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) or Invitro Fertilization (IVF) but it’s very expensive and there are certainly NO guarantees that it will work.” Just imagine this for a moment.

All of these thoughts in my head, how could this be, how could my dreams be crushed in an instant, why me?

We spent several thousand dollars and dug ourselves into debt. Why? Because we were chasing our dream. Did it work? No. Although we did not try IVF because that is 10s of thousands of dollars and on top of our current treatment debt we are in no way able to dig further. But the chances of it working? UP TO a 40% chance. MAYBE. If you’re lucky. On top of that, could my body handle it? Treatments make my endo worse so chances are, no I couldn’t handle it.

But just take a minute and put yourself into my shoes. How would you feel if this news came to you after 4 years of trying to conceive.

Yes, Miracles happen everyday; however I can’t live my life everyday expecting a miracle to happen. So here I am almost 22years old honestly thinking about a hysterectomy. I want to close this chapter. I don’t want to continue to live with a what if or maybe a miracle will happen. Because frankly that f*cks with my head and emotions beyond belief.

I was asked the other day point blank, “So right now in this moment do you have any chance of getting pregnant – is there anything that they can do or you can take that will work?” This really made me think and made things much clearer for myself. The answer is no. There are no true treatments for endo. Fertility treatments did not work. There is nothing that they can do. But at 21 I should not have to face this. I should not have to feel like I have failed as a woman. Or be deprived of what many women around me can do so easily.

This happened to me because I’m supposed to be able to handle this and maybe you, the person that is reading this or that girl who is 8 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child, couldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong I am extremely grateful for the life that I have been given. I have an amazing husband who busts his ass everyday to put food on the table and take care of me when I am hurting beyond words. My mom is one of my biggest supporters. I have been inspired by my Aunt who has been diagnosed with cancer, to keep on fighting. And my animals keep me smiling day in and day out.

But please don’t judge me, please try to understand. I have a disease that is incurable and most days my body hates me. I’m grieving the loss of having children. I have my ups and downs. Some days I want to talk about it, other days I don’t want anyone even mentioning it. Naturally, I’m filled with anger, guilt, jealousy, sadness, and loss. But I’m working on it. I’m working on being a better me. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, I just want you to be aware.

Unless you are faced with this you may never truly understand but atleast you can try.

Just imagine this and walk in my shoes.






Don’t Write Checks Your Ass Can’t Cash & don’t lie!

Recently, I had to make a hard decision that will most likely impact the rest of our lives, regarding a close relative who repetitively lied to us. You should never lie to someone that you love especially if it’s just to make yourself look good or the recipient of the lies feel good.

Two things that mean the world to me:

1. Our Wedding Day 2. Our struggle with infertility & the costly treatments.

Unfortunately, we are not the richest couple in the world and when it came to planning our wedding day we had a decision to make:

1. Elope in Las Vegas 2. Destination wedding (Cruise or Island Wedding) 3. Save money and plan a big fairytale wedding.

Truthfully, we were leaning more towards 1 or 2. But that would obviously mean that certain close relatives would not be there due to financial restraints but then again it’s about us and what we want. So what one relative did (I’ll refer to this person as B) in order to get us to do a local wedding was offer to pay half for our wedding and my mom agreed that she would pay half. We never asked for this money, Mom and B insisted this was their gift to us so we could have our big day.

So we set the date and originally planned for a $5,000 wedding. But B was continuously making excuses as to why they didn’t have the money, “Next payday, next payday” or “Income tax time I’ll give you the money.” The excuses continued through all of our planning and eventually our budget grew to $10,000. My mom told B to just pick up the $2,500 like the initial agreement and she would pick up the rest.

By our wedding day, my mom had paid for our entire wedding out of pocket and B got away with literally paying NOTHING, not even a wedding gift. I let this go for the sake of our wedding, but it hurt and was hard as hell to deal with!

Two years later, we were faced with trying to cough up the cash for IVF because the Dr told us after failed IUI’s and the severity of my endo, the only way we would get pregnant was In Vitro. There was no way we had that money or could finance that money, it was impossible. But one day B told me how they went to the bank and were going to take out a home equity loan to do some house repairs that needed to be done. So knowing how close I am to B I threw the idea out there that maybe B could help us out by taking extra money out and we would make the monthly payments so we could do IVF.

B thought the idea was great or so they made me think. B told me 3 different times that they were going to the bank to find out if they could take the loan out and each time made up an excuse as to why they couldn’t go. Knowing how important this was to me, due to my endo issue I didn’t have time to kill, I was growing very upset that I was getting lied to again and again.

Finally, another issue close to my heart with B arose that hurt me badly with B’s kids who mean the world to me. I treated them like they were my own and would take a bullet for them in an instant. For 3 years I have deliberately not been invited to their birthday parties, the one day all year that is JUST ABOUT THEM. I say that it’s deliberate because the last birthday it happened on I made a big deal about how much it hurt me and asked that it never happened again. But once again I wasn’t invited to another birthday and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I lost it. I called B out and basically told them how they managed to lie to me over and over again regarding the TWO MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE, and I was done! The reply I got was that B couldn’t find a babysitter for the kids (knowing I would of watched them had they asked or B could take them along) I knew I was lied to again.

It has been almost 2 months since I have talked to B and all I can think of is if B really loved us B would of never lied to us or deliberately played with our emotions. This just shows what kind of people they are. Why is it so hard to just be honest with someone? Why do people feel the need (especially someone who is SO CLOSE to us) to do this? I never got an I’m sorry, I got, “You are right, I’m so imperfect I should not be here.” Why do they have to throw a pity party for themselves and suggest ending their own life? All B had to say from the beginning of both situations is I can’t do it. Not offer to do it, knowing you can’t. I learned a big lesson and now I know who I definitely cannot trust. Not every problem with B that made me come to this decision regarded money. Things built up over time and these 3 situations were deal breakers because they meant SO MUCH to me.

It’s just hard for me to understand why? Why hurt us in this way? All I wanted for my life was to get married and raise a family. Although I can have a fulfilling marriage, I cannot have children. For someone to knowingly play with my heart and not care that it’s all a lie, just kills me.


Infertility with Endometriosis: Lupron & Daily Living

In 2012, my husband (H, then 21yrs old) and I (then 19yrs old) married only to find out our chances of ever starting a family were slim. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and PCOS. I went through 2 surgeries, multiple Drs and fertility treatments such as IUI with Clomid and HCG shots. It didn’t work.

I was then recommended Lupron which, in my opinion, is an awful shot that you receive once a month for 6 months. It has very bad side effects, short and long term like menopausal conditions, osteoporosis, paralysis, and even death. There have been lawsuits against the medication because the pharmaceutical companies are not releasing all the possible serious side effects and Drs are being paid off to recommend Lupron. My Dr never once explained anything about it to me other than menopausal side effects. Also, Lupron does NOT eliminate endometriosis it just, more or less, stops it from progressing any further and without a menstrual cycle it’s not thriving.

So, you have to weigh the pros and cons. For me, my menstrual cycle started back up during treatment and the pain turned for the worse; Lupron was a disaster. I gained 20lbs, had horrible hot flashes, shortness of breath,  extremely bad nightmares, and the pain never stopped for me. After my 4th shot, I stopped it all together and I am now waiting to go see a NEW Dr for another opinion after we get back from vacation in September!

What I did decide to do though is see my Primary Care Physician (PCP). Yesterday, I met with my PCP and finally asked for what I have been holding out on for 3 years. Pain killers. I am now at my wits end and am hardly able to work, do house chores or anything that isn’t laying on the couch with a heating pad. I am now 21 and H is 23 and we want to be able to be active and do fun things especially since we cannot have kids, we want to ‘Live Life to the Fullest’.

I have now been prescribed Vicodin for pain and Elavil for sleep/depression/pain. PCP also is referring me to a neurologist because my endo is on the ligaments of my right leg causing nerve pain from mid back all the way down my right leg to my toes. I was also in a car accident in 2011 that has played a big roll in this specific pain area for me. For now, I just have to wait and see what happens while doing  the best I can.