Excuses

As my phone buzzes with a text message from my grandmother (father’s mother) I instantly realize our lives are filled with excuses. We make excuses for the people that hurt us to sugar coat what they have done or we force ourselves to believe their excuses for why they have failed us once again.

She’s concerned because she hasn’t heard from me in awhile. Well I think about it for a moment and I ask myself is she really even being genuine. Does she actually even care? Answer.. Probably Not. And here’s why..

I had a sexual abuse case opened against her husband (my step grandfather) around the age of 14, not by my choice per say, but by children’s services after explaining to them how he treated me and the things he had done. My grandmother bashed me with EVERY EXPLICIT WORD OR NAME you could think of. She didn’t speak to me for over a year and still to this day thinks I’m a liar; although she no longer lives with him, they are still married. I always made the excuse “That’s her husband so she’s sticking up for him” BUT I’m her granddaughter.. what about me?? Mind you, her and I were extremely close prior to this.

Fast forward to my Graduation day at the age of 18. I had called my father and grandmother for months and months prior to this day. Neither of them would answer the phone or return my call. They acted as if I never existed. But it was ok for my father to drunk pocket dial me while out with his friends. When I’d call him back he wouldn’t answer. My graduation day came and went until one day I got a phone call from my grandmother explaining how she had been sick and that is why they never returned my phone calls. EXCUSE. For one why didn’t my father call to let me know that she was in the hospital? Why didn’t they atleast send a card or a phone call acknowledging my graduation? To this day I have never actually received any acknowledgment that I ever graduated from my father.

I did the nice thing by letting them be a part of my wedding. Traditionally, my father walked me down the aisle BUT not without my mom because ultimately she’s the only one that has always been there. A year after our wedding I was diagnosed with endometriosis and I was scheduled for surgery.

My grandmother insisted that she come up to help me (we live 2 hours apart) with my recovery. I was fine with that and thought it was a nice gesture. But two days before my surgery when I still hadn’t heard from her I called her to ask what time she would be here since my surgery was very early in the morning. She then told me she forgot that she promised the neighbor they would bake pies together so there was no way she could come up to be with me.

WAIT WHAT?! I just got blown off by my grandmother cause she had to bake pies?! WTF?! Why would you offer to help someone and then blow them off for pies? Right then and there. Excuses were out the door.

These people need to own up to these things. Not make us think that we need to make excuses for them. I live and learn every day.

So reading this message from her… does she honestly care… probably not at all. Though, she does lie a lot and she can be very fake and make you think that she cares. Only to turn around and treat you like shit and then make excuses for why she’s done that to you.

If someone hurts you, don’t make an excuse for them and don’t let them make excuses, they know what they are doing.

xoxo

Don’t Write Checks Your Ass Can’t Cash & don’t lie!

Recently, I had to make a hard decision that will most likely impact the rest of our lives, regarding a close relative who repetitively lied to us. You should never lie to someone that you love especially if it’s just to make yourself look good or the recipient of the lies feel good.

Two things that mean the world to me:

1. Our Wedding Day 2. Our struggle with infertility & the costly treatments.

Unfortunately, we are not the richest couple in the world and when it came to planning our wedding day we had a decision to make:

1. Elope in Las Vegas 2. Destination wedding (Cruise or Island Wedding) 3. Save money and plan a big fairytale wedding.

Truthfully, we were leaning more towards 1 or 2. But that would obviously mean that certain close relatives would not be there due to financial restraints but then again it’s about us and what we want. So what one relative did (I’ll refer to this person as B) in order to get us to do a local wedding was offer to pay half for our wedding and my mom agreed that she would pay half. We never asked for this money, Mom and B insisted this was their gift to us so we could have our big day.

So we set the date and originally planned for a $5,000 wedding. But B was continuously making excuses as to why they didn’t have the money, “Next payday, next payday” or “Income tax time I’ll give you the money.” The excuses continued through all of our planning and eventually our budget grew to $10,000. My mom told B to just pick up the $2,500 like the initial agreement and she would pick up the rest.

By our wedding day, my mom had paid for our entire wedding out of pocket and B got away with literally paying NOTHING, not even a wedding gift. I let this go for the sake of our wedding, but it hurt and was hard as hell to deal with!

Two years later, we were faced with trying to cough up the cash for IVF because the Dr told us after failed IUI’s and the severity of my endo, the only way we would get pregnant was In Vitro. There was no way we had that money or could finance that money, it was impossible. But one day B told me how they went to the bank and were going to take out a home equity loan to do some house repairs that needed to be done. So knowing how close I am to B I threw the idea out there that maybe B could help us out by taking extra money out and we would make the monthly payments so we could do IVF.

B thought the idea was great or so they made me think. B told me 3 different times that they were going to the bank to find out if they could take the loan out and each time made up an excuse as to why they couldn’t go. Knowing how important this was to me, due to my endo issue I didn’t have time to kill, I was growing very upset that I was getting lied to again and again.

Finally, another issue close to my heart with B arose that hurt me badly with B’s kids who mean the world to me. I treated them like they were my own and would take a bullet for them in an instant. For 3 years I have deliberately not been invited to their birthday parties, the one day all year that is JUST ABOUT THEM. I say that it’s deliberate because the last birthday it happened on I made a big deal about how much it hurt me and asked that it never happened again. But once again I wasn’t invited to another birthday and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I lost it. I called B out and basically told them how they managed to lie to me over and over again regarding the TWO MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE, and I was done! The reply I got was that B couldn’t find a babysitter for the kids (knowing I would of watched them had they asked or B could take them along) I knew I was lied to again.

It has been almost 2 months since I have talked to B and all I can think of is if B really loved us B would of never lied to us or deliberately played with our emotions. This just shows what kind of people they are. Why is it so hard to just be honest with someone? Why do people feel the need (especially someone who is SO CLOSE to us) to do this? I never got an I’m sorry, I got, “You are right, I’m so imperfect I should not be here.” Why do they have to throw a pity party for themselves and suggest ending their own life? All B had to say from the beginning of both situations is I can’t do it. Not offer to do it, knowing you can’t. I learned a big lesson and now I know who I definitely cannot trust. Not every problem with B that made me come to this decision regarded money. Things built up over time and these 3 situations were deal breakers because they meant SO MUCH to me.

It’s just hard for me to understand why? Why hurt us in this way? All I wanted for my life was to get married and raise a family. Although I can have a fulfilling marriage, I cannot have children. For someone to knowingly play with my heart and not care that it’s all a lie, just kills me.

xoxo