I’m sitting here thinking tonight, maybe for the good, maybe for the bad. It has been just over 3 months since I have spoken to my mom, aside from the “Happy Thanksgiving. I love you” text and “Merry Christmas from the both of us. Love you.” text that I received. I replied to the Thanksgiving text and the conversation went no further. So for that I did not reply to the Christmas text. I feel deeply that if someone wants a relationship with you, they will not allow the only time they communicate with you to be a holiday, especially a parent. I mean it’s my MOM! She was my best friend. What happened to that?
Since my mom deactivated her facebook and her wife “M” blocked my husband and I on facebook, I have completely lost touch with her life. Mind you they did this before I had even expressed any feelings to them about their relationship or about M. (I have no problem with same sex marriage, it is strictly the way M treats my mom. I grew up in a very stable same sex home with a woman my mom was with for 14+years). I heard through the grape vine that she’s on vacation traveling in Florida right now. Oh how lovely. I can’t help but wonder if it’s going as shitty as the vacation my husband and I went on with them in September.
I spoke to my mom’s best friend, or former best friend.. because my mom won’t talk to her anymore since M is in the picture. She said she’s tried to contact my mom to see how she’s doing and told her she misses her. No reply. It infuriates me, that my mom’s friend that has been there since I was born (20 something years), is getting pushed away just as I am. I know my mom. She is the type of person that can walk away from someone and never talk to them again. When she’s done, she’s done. But her own daughter and BEST friend. Really!? I would like to think that if I reached out to her she would respond but I just don’t know anymore. I’ve never went a week without hearing from my mom let alone 3 months. Granted I was the one that lost it on the phone and hung up, I truthfully had every right to do so. I simply wanted a one on one conversation with my mom in private and she could not respect me enough to do that. She pushed for all of these things to come out but once they did, they did not want to hear what I had to say really. In a way, I feel like this is what M wanted. She wanted us to fight and sever our relationship so she could once again control every aspect of my mom’s life.
M wanted to agree to disagree. Well I can’t do that because of the person I strongly believe that she is. I can’t just brush it all aside and act like what I feel is not valid just to make everyone happy. That’s not me. She wants to say this all is a big misunderstanding but it’s not. I understand exactly the way she is and so does she. She admitted that she has these issues of acting out and being rude and nasty to people. Well I’m sorry, but why would I put myself in a situation for someone to put myself and others down. I refuse. So does this mean I can’t have a relationship with my mom because I don’t want to be around M? I would hope not, but that’s the way it seems. I could put aside my differences to do a family get together with all of my family but at this point I would not go to dinner with just them and my husband I. I tried for nearly a year to see the good in M, to look past all of these things that bothered me but sometimes you get to that point where you can’t be fake and you have to face the reality. So this is the reality.
I went through this with my father but slightly different. He was absent for most of my childhood and for 4 years while I was very young I did not hear from him at all. Just recently we went 3 years without seeing each other and minimal communication. Is he a bad guy? No. He was an alcoholic and just not good at being a “parent”. I’ve accepted that. It took me many years to accept that and it actually started with my marriage. I realized, that I was starting my own life and family and what’s done is done. If you want to be here, great. If you don’t, I have my own life now. In a way I was prepped my whole life for this very thing. But I never expected it from my mom. She wasn’t that person to let me down or turn her back. Now, I sit here questioning her… and asking what makes her any better than my father at this point? The very thing she ridiculed my father for, turning his back on me, she’s now doing… because of.. someone else? Seriously?
Well, it’s been about a year since I last posted. I’m a little over a year post hysterectomy and a lot has changed since then. I have literally went through hell and back.. and still trying to figure things out. Basically, I am very thankful that I had the surgery to help my endometriosis.. and it has quite a bit.. I still have some pain… more on some days than others. Things were pretty good right after recovery but not long after things went wrong in my life. My husband and I split for a few months while I tried to figure myself out and what I truly wanted. I think realizing that I would never be able to give him kids and all my life plans had suddenly changed I thought maybe it was time to change the direction of my life. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for marriage? Maybe I was never meant to have a family? Maybe I’m different than I was before? So I explored… I cried alot.. I drank alot.. I vomited alot… I starved myself alot.. and above all else I went against all my morals… and I dated someone else. I dropped 20lbs quick and my body image was drastically better but I wasn’t happy. The guy I was seeing was such an asshole… gave me the run around alot.. tried controlling me.. and made me feel like shit. I thought why did I give up my good marriage just to be torn down. Over the years, my husband always said, if you leave, then you leave, I can’t make you stay. So when I asked for a separation, I didn’t expect him to fight much… but boy was I wrong. I thought he had gone crazy… He chased me down.. he bought me flowers.. he begged to come home.. he wrote me letters and it was a side to him that I had never seen before. It really put things into perspective for me. He truly loved me. No one has ever showed me that, to that extent, in my life. Thankfully we were able to work on things.. and it is still a struggle because he still feels I could leave at any moment which isn’t the case. But in a way this experience has humbled me, I don’t judge so much and I try to understand more because you never know the reasons someone does the things that they do. I struggle with these inner demons because of the cards I’ve been dealt and I know now the fight is very much worth it. Don’t let anyone come between you and your partner (as long as you’re in a healthy relationship). During this time my “best friend” was living with us and now I can look back and see the negative influence he had on me as well as the other people I had in my life. It was horrible.
Through this experience, I have also lost my relationship with my mom. My mom has always been my best friend so to no longer speak to her is very hard. She met someone, who she had previously been with some 17 years ago, and within 2 months of “dating” they married. I chose to support her, even though I had many doubts about her new partner I’ll call “M”. M tends to manipulate my mom in many ways which I am not ok with. M has a good career and makes pretty good money, can go on multiple vacations and do much more than my mom could do on her own. It plays a big role in things. M tends to be jealous and controlling… not only did my relationship with my mom go down the drain but so did my mom’s relationship with her very close friends and family. It’s rather sad.. and makes me extremely angry… My mom finally pushed me to say what I was feeling and I pretty much exploded on her and M… I basically feel that M brings so much negativity into my life I don’t want that around me. I’m at a point that I need people that want to grow in life instead of tearing people down. My mom can choose to be in it but I will not. SO… I have had almost no contact with my mom in 3 months. She couldn’t even give me the respect to talk with me in private without M around… so I kinda see where things stand. I’ll let her make that move… because now I know who my family is.. who loves me… who supports me.. and who always will. Ultimately it’s my husband. He has been there since day one.. and 6years later… he is still here standing proudly by my side, mistakes and all. This shall catch ya up so far… I will continue to update more later… It’s been a rollercoaster but I’m hanging on for the ride!
I drive around these old dusty roads
Pitch black with only the light of the moon
My mind is somewhere off in space
How did I even make it home tonight?
Every twist and every turn
Is burned into my memory
As the music plays
I relive the past.
I remember the first time, the first time
I drove down this old road
Now all I want
Is to just pick up and leave
Why can’t it be that easy?
A black night
A blue day
It’s all the same.
Listening to the music as it plays
Although it reflects
Many darker days,
I find truth in it
In so many ways.
“Through the eye
Of the storm
You are never alone
Even through, the shadows
You are never alone”
I’m so close
To the eye of my storm
Down these old back roads
Just to mourn.
As I seek change
I will always
Grow through the pain.
(Lyrics by Killswitch Engage)
Poem by yours truly.
Today I’m really struggling..
Have you ever felt like no one understands you? Or they really don’t care about you? That’s pretty much it for me. I’m not much for pretending to like people when I don’t or giving excuses all the time. And I really feel like it’s just me and absolutely no one gets me. Sometimes I want to just close up and not let anyone in. People ‘Act’ like they care but then ignore me when I decide to open up and talk about what is going on.
Truth is: I’m complicated. VERY complicated. I have experienced far more health issues, loss, and defeat than most 22 year olds ever will. I’m DIFFERENT. My mind doesn’t think about partying, I think about what am I going to do now? Where do I go from here? I don’t work at a job that I like. I’m having a hysterectomy and will never have biological children. I’m in debt due to my medical issues. I don’t like where I live. On top of it all no one understands me. Yes this is all the negative. But I feel defeated. After 5 years of trying for a baby.. and now I’m left worse than when I started. I looked up adoption and it’s going to be $20,000+ to adopt a baby. I don’t have that kind of money, I’ve never had that kind of money. Why does everything have to come with a price? Why can’t it come natural? I’ve worked so hard and nothing has gotten easier. I’m in so much pain today… I tell my friend and I get no reply. Maybe she’s tired of hearing me say it. I know I’m tired of feeling it. I need someone to decode my thoughts and tell me what I need to do.
I love being different and realize that most people couldn’t go through what I’m going through but I want to look forward to every day, not be counting down the minutes for it to end. I hurt more than ever… and it’s just me inside of this shell trying to escape.
Monday I finally had the colonoscopy and it went good I guess. The prep was AWFUL! Dr noticed when they went by my uterus during the procedure is when I had the most intense pain. Likely due to the endo and inflammation. I will be happy when the diarrhea decides to stop. On another note, I scheduled my hysterectomy for November 20th. Since all of my family is at least 2.5 hours away my Mom and Grandma have planned their vacation accordingly so they can come up and stay with me to help out. Since my husband will be the only income coming in while I’m off (other than my small disability check) I don’t want him to have to miss too much work. The plan is he will take off the day of my surgery and go back the next day since my family will be here to help me. He is such a huge support for me. He goes to nearly all my doctor appointments, procedures, ER visits, and surgeries. It’s such a great feeling to have him, my mom, and my grandma all willing to help me and be here for me.
Thursday I have my pre-op appointment. In 2 weeks I have the EMG nerve test done. Another Dr appointment. And then surgery. I can’t wait til this is all over. Feel pretty shitty today! Just trying to keep it together… my period is coming and boy the pms and endo is in full force! Oh joy oh joy.
A guy (who is a regular at work) told me today “you’ve gotten ‘slower’ since you dyed your hair red.” At the time I wasn’t really thinking about it cause I was busy trying to get his transaction done. But now I’m sitting here thinking. What an ignorant ass comment to make. The truth is yea I am slowing down. NO it’s not because I ‘dyed my hair red’. It’s because every day my pain increases. Today especially, was a hard day for me. Constant cramping/stabbing pains. On top of it my stomach/bowels are acting up. I just love how people never once think about what they’re saying before they try to put you down for something that they have no idea about. 😦
On another note I’ve done some research and since I started the Lupron shot 6 months ago (I am done with it) my blood pressure has been high. But now that I am off of it my blood pressure is still not coming down. I’m considered Prehypertension, borderline High Blood Pressure. My pulse is higher than it used to be. I also ran a low grade fever the entire time I was on Lupron which was very odd for me since I’ve always ran rather low and lower than the norm. Thankfully my temp has come down recently but the blood pressure and pulse, no, it just keeps rising.
When I tell people I feel different, even if I can’t explain how/why I feel different, believe me I’m not the same at all. This is one of those instances where I can prove the difference as well as the 20+ lbs I have put on since April. I was 115 when I went on the shot..granted I had just been sick and lost a little weight. I am now up to 138-140lbs. I have NEVER weighed this much.. it might not be a lot to you but when I no longer fit into anything that I just recently bought because of weight gain, it upsets me. I just feel different. I don’t feel like me anymore.
UPDATE: After seeing the neurologist today… I have to get an EMG test done. Poke me with needles and stimulate my nerves to find out what is wrong with my right side. He did note my right leg is definitely weaker than my left. He also upped my Elavil. So I see a: Reproductive Endocrinologist/OBGYN, Neurologist, Gastroenterologist, and Nurse Practitioner (My PCP). That’s ALOT of specialists/Drs. I feel broken and I’m just their guinea pig.
Unfortunately I can’t get in for the EMG until beginning of November, then have to schedule another appointment to get the results and I’m waiting for a call back to find out when my colonoscopy will be. I just really hope my hysterectomy doesn’t get pushed too far out because of all this. My RE was shooting for mid November but I don’t know. A little overwhelmed…
Now just trying to relax because I’m in a good amount of pain right now. Heating pad, Couch and Vicodin you will be my friends today!!!