A lesson on friendship

Lately, I’ve had to learn a lot about friendship and about myself. I’m the type of person that gives and gives. I feel like I am drawn toward the people with the most problems and try to help them, fix them, and comfort them. But the problem with this is that they are mostly focused on themselves… The relationship becomes strictly about them 24/7 and there is nothing left for me. While I am typically ok with this, it seems that it’s creating problems within my own life now. 

My best friend of 16 years needed a place to stay for the second time in our adulthood.. So I said sure why not come live with me. Then he wanted to propose to his partner so I offered him to make payments to me on the ring if I paid for it.   When it was all done… I realized I was being used.. He had started to come between my hubby and I… And when I said it was time to leave it became apparent I wasn’t going to get the money for the ring. So I asked for it back and eventually he returned it to me. I lost a friend, but learned a lesson.

My other close friend was going through a divorce and started dating someone. It was a rough relationship between her and the new man on top of getting thru the divorce. I tried to be there every step of the way with her. Every late phone call, every urgent “I need you” – I was there. But during this time I was also separated from my husband.. And seeing a not-so-good man. It was one of the worst times of my life.. I almost lost my husband. Recently, this close friend responded to the not-so-good man on social media stating her boyfriend and her love him and wanted him to come over to a housewarming party. I was shocked! Here’s my best friend who knew everything I went through… Knew this man almost ruined my marriage…. And is now inviting him over, saying they love him. 

That was all it took. It was like a bus hit me. This wasn’t a friend of mine. And definitely not a best or close friend. In the last few days, I have learned that I will not allow anyone in my life that is not with me 100% … If they don’t bring out the positive aspects of life, I can’t be involved. She explains that it really wasn’t meant that way, but I can’t see past the fact that she would even feel it’s ok to express this to him. To have no regard to how my husband and I would feel. From what she tells me she doesn’t like this man for what he’s done to me and so many others.. She knows intimate details. Truthfully, I never asked her to not be friends or not talk to him but I never expected that she would feel so comfortable to say and do these things. The housewarming party that she invited him too is also the party she invited me to. She tells me of course she would never ACTUALLY invite him … But why did you say it then? To make him feel good? Why? Is that what you do to me? Be fake and say things just to make me feel good? Yea… I don’t think that’s any true friend of mine. 

Now I see, the very people she was talking bad about… She is now becoming buddy buddy with. Every little action solidifies what I’ve thought. It’s not about who is there for her, just as long as someone is. Some people are never ok unless they have people around them.. Or friends that are there for them. But that’s just it… It’s always about them… There’s nothing deeper between them and any given person. 

I don’t need friends… Especially not these kind. Granted I am not perfect by any means, but atleast I’m honest. I give my whole heart but people take it for granted and then stop to ask why they have no friends (which she recently asked me). Well darling, this is why. She’s not a bad person, and truly I do care about her but I can’t have a one way friendship. I’d rather have no friends than someone I can’t trust to have my back when I need someone. 

Midnight thoughts, family problems

I’m sitting here thinking tonight, maybe for the good, maybe for the bad. It has been just over 3 months since I have spoken to my mom, aside from the “Happy Thanksgiving. I love you” text and “Merry Christmas from the both of us. Love you.” text that I received. I replied to the Thanksgiving text and the conversation went no further. So for that I did not reply to the Christmas text. I feel deeply that if someone wants a relationship with you, they will not allow the only time they communicate with you to be a holiday, especially a parent. I mean it’s my MOM! She was my best friend. What happened to that?

Since my mom deactivated her facebook and her wife “M” blocked my husband and I on facebook, I have completely lost touch with her life. Mind you they did this before I had even expressed any feelings to them about their relationship or about M. (I have no problem with same sex marriage, it is strictly the way M treats my mom. I grew up in a very stable same sex home with a woman my mom was with for 14+years). I heard through the grape vine that she’s on vacation traveling in Florida right now. Oh how lovely. I can’t help but wonder if it’s going as shitty as the vacation my husband and I went on with them in September.

I spoke to my mom’s best friend, or former best friend.. because my mom won’t talk to her anymore since M is in the picture. She said she’s tried to contact my mom to see how she’s doing and told her she misses her. No reply. It infuriates me, that my mom’s friend that has been there since I was born (20 something years), is getting pushed away just as I am. I know my mom. She is the type of person that can walk away from someone and never talk to them again. When she’s done, she’s done. But her own daughter and BEST friend. Really!? I would like to think that if I reached out to her she would respond but I just don’t know anymore. I’ve never went a week without hearing from my mom let alone 3 months. Granted I was the one that lost it on the phone and hung up, I truthfully had every right to do so. I simply wanted a one on one conversation with my mom in private and she could not respect me enough to do that. She pushed for all of these things to come out but once they did, they did not want to hear what I had to say really. In a way, I feel like this is what M wanted. She wanted us to fight and sever our relationship so she could once again control every aspect of my mom’s life.

M wanted to agree to disagree. Well I can’t do that because of the person I strongly believe that she is. I can’t just brush it all aside and act like what I feel is not valid just to make everyone happy. That’s not me. She wants to say this all is a big misunderstanding but it’s not. I understand exactly the way she is and so does she. She admitted that she has these issues of acting out and being rude and nasty to people. Well I’m sorry, but why would I put myself in a situation for someone to put myself and others down. I refuse. So does this mean I can’t have a relationship with my mom because I don’t want to be around M? I would hope not, but that’s the way it seems. I could put aside my differences to do a family get together with all of my family but at this point I would not go to dinner with just them and my husband I. I tried for nearly a year to see the good in M, to look past all of these things that bothered me but sometimes you get to that point where you can’t be fake and you have to face the reality. So this is the reality.

I went through this with my father but slightly different. He was absent for most of my childhood and for 4 years while I was very young I did not hear from him at all. Just recently we went 3 years without seeing each other and minimal communication. Is he a bad guy? No. He was an alcoholic and just not good at being a “parent”. I’ve accepted that. It took me many years to accept that and it actually started with my marriage. I realized, that I was starting my own life and family and what’s done is done. If you want to be here, great. If you don’t, I have my own life now. In a way I was prepped my whole life for this very thing. But I never expected it from my mom. She wasn’t that person to let me down or turn her back. Now, I sit here questioning her… and asking what makes her any better than my father at this point? The very thing she ridiculed my father for, turning his back on me, she’s now doing… because of.. someone else? Seriously?

 

Kicked When You’re Already Down

One week until my hysterectomy, I had a huge blow out with “Step” Father-in-law. The problem lies with the things he has been saying to my much younger brother and sister-in-law. My husband and I treat them as if they are our own children. Take them to do fun, exciting, things and try to spend as much time with them as we can. But I learned over dinner tonight from my 7yr old BIL that my FIL is telling them that I don’t work and that I’m lazy and sit on my ass. (Mind you he is on disability but physically ABLE TO WORK, it’s an injury to his arm/shoulder.) No, I’m not able to work everyday due to the physical pain I have BUT regardless of me going to work or not I take care of all of the house work and our 5 animals. Husband does most outside housework. I am not lazy. My Father-in-law on the other hand thinks that he’s the King of his house and does not need to help with their 2 kids, nor does he need to do ANY of the housework including: vacuuming, dishes, cooking. laundry, cleaning, or bathing their 4 animals. He expects to be served and the woman (who DOES WORK TOO) to do everything for him while he sleeps all day, goes out when he wants to, and buys and smoke pot when he pleases. To me THAT’S lazy.

The part that bothers me is that this is the second time he has told the kids something bad about me (that I know of). They are our world. When I confronted him, he went and beat and yelled at my 7yr old BIL. He’s getting punished for something his father did. Makes lot of sense right? NOT!

He continued to tell me I am no longer to step foot in their house again, mind you it’s not his house…. ha. My mother-in-law was crying and apologized to me. But this comes just one month after I made amends with some prior things they did to us, I’m left with this. I don’t deserve to be made out like such a bad person when I do more for them and with them than he ever will. It hurts. I don’t care what he thinks of me, everyone is entitled to an opinion, but to tell the kids these things and paint me in a negative way. They don’t understand. I wasn’t raised this way. I was raised with respect. I’m at a loss of what to do now. I’m so angry and upset especially that my BIL was punished for something that wasn’t his fault. I’m not the “bite your tongue” type. What’s wrong is wrong. What’s right is right and I refuse to be disrespected in such a way especially by a man. (I’ve been verbally and physically abused by men in the past.)

I need to deal with this, but I feel like living here, away from my family, I just keep getting kicked when I’m already down, constantly.

My poem of Change

I drive around these old dusty roads
Pitch black with only the light of the moon
My mind is somewhere off in space
How did I even make it home tonight?

Every twist and every turn
Is burned into my memory
As the music plays
I relive the past.

I remember the first time, the first time
I drove down this old road
Now all I want
Is to just pick up and leave
Why can’t it be that easy?

A black night
A blue day
Around here
It’s all the same.

Listening to the music as it plays
Although it reflects
Many darker days,
I find truth in it
In so many ways.

“Through the eye
Of the storm
You are never alone
Even through, the shadows
You are never alone”

I’m so close
To the eye of my storm
Down these old back roads
Just to mourn.

My loss,
My strength
The lesson,
The gain
As I seek change
I will always
Grow through the pain.

(Lyrics by Killswitch Engage)
Poem by yours truly.
xoxo

Lost and haven’t been found…

Today I’m really struggling..

Have you ever felt like no one understands you? Or they really don’t care about you? That’s pretty much it for me. I’m not much for pretending to like people when I don’t or giving excuses all the time. And I really feel like it’s just me and absolutely no one gets me. Sometimes I want to just close up and not let anyone in. People ‘Act’ like they care but then ignore me when I decide to open up and talk about what is going on.

Truth is: I’m complicated. VERY complicated. I have experienced far more health issues, loss, and defeat than most 22 year olds ever will. I’m DIFFERENT. My mind doesn’t think about partying, I think about what am I going to do now? Where do I go from here? I don’t work at a job that I like. I’m having a hysterectomy and will never have biological children. I’m in debt due to my medical issues. I don’t like where I live. On top of it all no one understands me. Yes this is all the negative. But I feel defeated. After 5 years of trying for a baby.. and now I’m left worse than when I started. I looked up adoption and it’s going to be $20,000+ to adopt a baby. I don’t have that kind of money, I’ve never had that kind of money. Why does everything have to come with a price? Why can’t it come natural? I’ve worked so hard and nothing has gotten easier. I’m in so much pain today… I tell my friend and I get no reply. Maybe she’s tired of hearing me say it. I know I’m tired of feeling it. I need someone to decode my thoughts and tell me what I need to do.

I love being different and realize that most people couldn’t go through what I’m going through but I want to look forward to every day, not be counting down the minutes for it to end. I hurt more than ever… and it’s just me inside of this shell trying to escape.

What people don’t know, could teach them a thing or two.

A guy (who is a regular at work) told me today “you’ve gotten ‘slower’ since you dyed your hair red.” At the time I wasn’t really thinking about it cause I was busy trying to get his transaction done. But now I’m sitting here thinking. What an ignorant ass comment to make. The truth is yea I am slowing down. NO it’s not because I ‘dyed my hair red’. It’s because every day my pain increases. Today especially, was a hard day for me. Constant cramping/stabbing pains. On top of it my stomach/bowels are acting up. I just love how people never once think about what they’re saying before they try to put you down for something that they have no idea about. 😦

On another note I’ve done some research and since I started the Lupron shot 6 months ago (I am done with it) my blood pressure has been high. But now that I am off of it my blood pressure is still not coming down. I’m considered Prehypertension, borderline High Blood Pressure. My pulse is higher than it used to be. I also ran a low grade fever the entire time I was on Lupron which was very odd for me since I’ve always ran rather low and lower than the norm. Thankfully my temp has come down recently but the blood pressure and pulse, no, it just keeps rising.

When I tell people I feel different, even if I can’t explain how/why I feel different, believe me I’m not the same at all. This is one of those instances where I can prove the difference as well as the 20+ lbs I have put on since April. I was 115 when I went on the shot..granted I had just been sick and lost a little weight. I am now up to 138-140lbs. I have NEVER weighed this much.. it might not be a lot to you but when I no longer fit into anything that I just recently bought because of weight gain, it upsets me. I just feel different. I don’t feel like me anymore.

xoxo

Lesson Learned

Well my “vacation” has come and went. Unfortunately it did not go quite at all as we had planned. In fact it was by far the worst vacation I have ever been on. My mom, husband, and I got a long great. On the other hand, I had to learn a hard lesson about my Aunt. While I was hoping to spend a lot of time and make good memories with her since she has Small Cell Lung Cancer, I was in for a rude awakening.

Turns out the only things ‘important’ to her were chain smoking and skyping her family back home. I was taken by complete surprise. She also treated me personally, like I was dirt on the ground. She continuously called me a bitch, claimed that I needed to take my ‘meds’, claimed that I was being mean to her, and that she should give me pills that would help my mood swings and bitchiness. All of this literally came out of nowhere. I calmly explained to her that yes my hormones are imbalanced due to the injection of Lupron which put me into a menopausal state. But even my husband and mom agreed that I was acting very normal and was not treating her bad at all. Actually I acted as if everything she said didn’t bother me and laughed it off to not create waves. She attacked me for having a disease that I cannot control and tried to down play the severity of my disease.. that I just like to complain about it. Someone that I thought cared about me as I did her really showed me who she really is.

Then at the end of the trip it all came to a head. My aunt stole my vicodin and of course she lied and denied it. But it all finally made sense. She was so irrational and mean towards me the whole trip because she was under the influence. Drugs make people do things that normally they would never do. I learned a hard lesson. Although she has cancer I can no longer feel bad for her. She’s chain smoking like you would not believe and she has LUNG CANCER! She’s using the cancer as a crutch to steal, lie, and get high. Meanwhile, everyone is feeling bad for her. I’m sorry but I can’t.

The great memories we wanted to make is now just a vacation I wish I could forget.