Miracles do happen

Today, while at the hospital getting blood work for possible anemia (all came back ok) I overhead a woman talking while holding her newborn child. She was explaining to another woman how her newborn baby girl was her miracle baby. She became pregnant with her now newborn 1 year after having partial removal of both tubes and having them tied. Pregnancy only happens to approximately 5 out of 1,000 women after the 1yr mark. She was shocked and stunned but instantly thought it was a tubal… she went to the ER and they confirmed she was 6 weeks with a healthy pregnancy implanted within the uterus. Her due date was Dec 26 and she came a week early. During her C-section the Dr confirmed that her tubes grew completely back and the little “hairs and fingers” of the tubes reattached to the ovary.

For me, this confirms in life, that miracles do happen. If something is meant to be, it will happen. I was not so fortunate but there are so many that are and I am grateful for that. I was secretly overjoyed for this mom. I’m starting to think that maybe just maybe, my bitterness towards pregnant women is improving. I have noticed since having my hysterectomy nearly 5 weeks ago my outlook has changed. I’m maturing, I’m growing, I’m stronger and I’m becoming a better person. I’m closing one chapter, opening a new one. I can be very “black and white” when it comes to life and I needed to know that this struggle was over and be done with all the what-ifs or maybes.

Here’s to a better 2015!

xoxo

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My poem of Change

I drive around these old dusty roads
Pitch black with only the light of the moon
My mind is somewhere off in space
How did I even make it home tonight?

Every twist and every turn
Is burned into my memory
As the music plays
I relive the past.

I remember the first time, the first time
I drove down this old road
Now all I want
Is to just pick up and leave
Why can’t it be that easy?

A black night
A blue day
Around here
It’s all the same.

Listening to the music as it plays
Although it reflects
Many darker days,
I find truth in it
In so many ways.

“Through the eye
Of the storm
You are never alone
Even through, the shadows
You are never alone”

I’m so close
To the eye of my storm
Down these old back roads
Just to mourn.

My loss,
My strength
The lesson,
The gain
As I seek change
I will always
Grow through the pain.

(Lyrics by Killswitch Engage)
Poem by yours truly.
xoxo

I am ready!

Next week I have 3 Drs appointments scheduled. Monday I see my reproductive endocrinologist to find out if he will give me a hysterectomy. I asked for one back in April and he agreed that if I really wanted it he would do it but wanted me to try Lupron first. So I did. But now I feel I am ready to make the decision. I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to feel better. Yes, I know that this may not completely cure my endometriosis and other problems may arise. I still feel that it is best for me. I’ve faced a lot in knowing I will never have biological babies. But there is a reason for everything. I am stronger because of it and I appreciate life in so many more ways now.

My 2nd appointment is on Tuesday with the neurologist. I think this will give me more insight on whether the nerve damage in my leg from the endo will be able to be controlled. I do think this will be my problem area even after a hysterectomy because my RE is unable to remove the endo in that area. It is on a main artery and could create much greater problems for me like internal bleeding, skin grafts, and worse. Only time will tell. I JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER.

My 3rd is on Friday with my PCP to go over everything and maybe make some adjustments to my meds. She has given me tons of support and trying to steer me in the right direction address all of health issues correctly. It really feels good to have a Dr that truly cares and doesn’t just try to rush you out the door.

So big things are coming next week. TIME TO KICK ENDOS ASS!! I Am Never Giving Up! 😀

Imagine This

Here I am 21 years old. Dr says, “From your diagnosis you may never have kids without fertility treatments. We can try Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) or Invitro Fertilization (IVF) but it’s very expensive and there are certainly NO guarantees that it will work.” Just imagine this for a moment.

All of these thoughts in my head, how could this be, how could my dreams be crushed in an instant, why me?

We spent several thousand dollars and dug ourselves into debt. Why? Because we were chasing our dream. Did it work? No. Although we did not try IVF because that is 10s of thousands of dollars and on top of our current treatment debt we are in no way able to dig further. But the chances of it working? UP TO a 40% chance. MAYBE. If you’re lucky. On top of that, could my body handle it? Treatments make my endo worse so chances are, no I couldn’t handle it.

But just take a minute and put yourself into my shoes. How would you feel if this news came to you after 4 years of trying to conceive.

Yes, Miracles happen everyday; however I can’t live my life everyday expecting a miracle to happen. So here I am almost 22years old honestly thinking about a hysterectomy. I want to close this chapter. I don’t want to continue to live with a what if or maybe a miracle will happen. Because frankly that f*cks with my head and emotions beyond belief.

I was asked the other day point blank, “So right now in this moment do you have any chance of getting pregnant – is there anything that they can do or you can take that will work?” This really made me think and made things much clearer for myself. The answer is no. There are no true treatments for endo. Fertility treatments did not work. There is nothing that they can do. But at 21 I should not have to face this. I should not have to feel like I have failed as a woman. Or be deprived of what many women around me can do so easily.

This happened to me because I’m supposed to be able to handle this and maybe you, the person that is reading this or that girl who is 8 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child, couldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong I am extremely grateful for the life that I have been given. I have an amazing husband who busts his ass everyday to put food on the table and take care of me when I am hurting beyond words. My mom is one of my biggest supporters. I have been inspired by my Aunt who has been diagnosed with cancer, to keep on fighting. And my animals keep me smiling day in and day out.

But please don’t judge me, please try to understand. I have a disease that is incurable and most days my body hates me. I’m grieving the loss of having children. I have my ups and downs. Some days I want to talk about it, other days I don’t want anyone even mentioning it. Naturally, I’m filled with anger, guilt, jealousy, sadness, and loss. But I’m working on it. I’m working on being a better me. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, I just want you to be aware.

Unless you are faced with this you may never truly understand but atleast you can try.

Just imagine this and walk in my shoes.

 

xoxo