My poem of Change

I drive around these old dusty roads
Pitch black with only the light of the moon
My mind is somewhere off in space
How did I even make it home tonight?

Every twist and every turn
Is burned into my memory
As the music plays
I relive the past.

I remember the first time, the first time
I drove down this old road
Now all I want
Is to just pick up and leave
Why can’t it be that easy?

A black night
A blue day
Around here
It’s all the same.

Listening to the music as it plays
Although it reflects
Many darker days,
I find truth in it
In so many ways.

“Through the eye
Of the storm
You are never alone
Even through, the shadows
You are never alone”

I’m so close
To the eye of my storm
Down these old back roads
Just to mourn.

My loss,
My strength
The lesson,
The gain
As I seek change
I will always
Grow through the pain.

(Lyrics by Killswitch Engage)
Poem by yours truly.
xoxo

Excuses

As my phone buzzes with a text message from my grandmother (father’s mother) I instantly realize our lives are filled with excuses. We make excuses for the people that hurt us to sugar coat what they have done or we force ourselves to believe their excuses for why they have failed us once again.

She’s concerned because she hasn’t heard from me in awhile. Well I think about it for a moment and I ask myself is she really even being genuine. Does she actually even care? Answer.. Probably Not. And here’s why..

I had a sexual abuse case opened against her husband (my step grandfather) around the age of 14, not by my choice per say, but by children’s services after explaining to them how he treated me and the things he had done. My grandmother bashed me with EVERY EXPLICIT WORD OR NAME you could think of. She didn’t speak to me for over a year and still to this day thinks I’m a liar; although she no longer lives with him, they are still married. I always made the excuse “That’s her husband so she’s sticking up for him” BUT I’m her granddaughter.. what about me?? Mind you, her and I were extremely close prior to this.

Fast forward to my Graduation day at the age of 18. I had called my father and grandmother for months and months prior to this day. Neither of them would answer the phone or return my call. They acted as if I never existed. But it was ok for my father to drunk pocket dial me while out with his friends. When I’d call him back he wouldn’t answer. My graduation day came and went until one day I got a phone call from my grandmother explaining how she had been sick and that is why they never returned my phone calls. EXCUSE. For one why didn’t my father call to let me know that she was in the hospital? Why didn’t they atleast send a card or a phone call acknowledging my graduation? To this day I have never actually received any acknowledgment that I ever graduated from my father.

I did the nice thing by letting them be a part of my wedding. Traditionally, my father walked me down the aisle BUT not without my mom because ultimately she’s the only one that has always been there. A year after our wedding I was diagnosed with endometriosis and I was scheduled for surgery.

My grandmother insisted that she come up to help me (we live 2 hours apart) with my recovery. I was fine with that and thought it was a nice gesture. But two days before my surgery when I still hadn’t heard from her I called her to ask what time she would be here since my surgery was very early in the morning. She then told me she forgot that she promised the neighbor they would bake pies together so there was no way she could come up to be with me.

WAIT WHAT?! I just got blown off by my grandmother cause she had to bake pies?! WTF?! Why would you offer to help someone and then blow them off for pies? Right then and there. Excuses were out the door.

These people need to own up to these things. Not make us think that we need to make excuses for them. I live and learn every day.

So reading this message from her… does she honestly care… probably not at all. Though, she does lie a lot and she can be very fake and make you think that she cares. Only to turn around and treat you like shit and then make excuses for why she’s done that to you.

If someone hurts you, don’t make an excuse for them and don’t let them make excuses, they know what they are doing.

xoxo