A lesson on friendship

Lately, I’ve had to learn a lot about friendship and about myself. I’m the type of person that gives and gives. I feel like I am drawn toward the people with the most problems and try to help them, fix them, and comfort them. But the problem with this is that they are mostly focused on themselves… The relationship becomes strictly about them 24/7 and there is nothing left for me. While I am typically ok with this, it seems that it’s creating problems within my own life now. 

My best friend of 16 years needed a place to stay for the second time in our adulthood.. So I said sure why not come live with me. Then he wanted to propose to his partner so I offered him to make payments to me on the ring if I paid for it.   When it was all done… I realized I was being used.. He had started to come between my hubby and I… And when I said it was time to leave it became apparent I wasn’t going to get the money for the ring. So I asked for it back and eventually he returned it to me. I lost a friend, but learned a lesson.

My other close friend was going through a divorce and started dating someone. It was a rough relationship between her and the new man on top of getting thru the divorce. I tried to be there every step of the way with her. Every late phone call, every urgent “I need you” – I was there. But during this time I was also separated from my husband.. And seeing a not-so-good man. It was one of the worst times of my life.. I almost lost my husband. Recently, this close friend responded to the not-so-good man on social media stating her boyfriend and her love him and wanted him to come over to a housewarming party. I was shocked! Here’s my best friend who knew everything I went through… Knew this man almost ruined my marriage…. And is now inviting him over, saying they love him. 

That was all it took. It was like a bus hit me. This wasn’t a friend of mine. And definitely not a best or close friend. In the last few days, I have learned that I will not allow anyone in my life that is not with me 100% … If they don’t bring out the positive aspects of life, I can’t be involved. She explains that it really wasn’t meant that way, but I can’t see past the fact that she would even feel it’s ok to express this to him. To have no regard to how my husband and I would feel. From what she tells me she doesn’t like this man for what he’s done to me and so many others.. She knows intimate details. Truthfully, I never asked her to not be friends or not talk to him but I never expected that she would feel so comfortable to say and do these things. The housewarming party that she invited him too is also the party she invited me to. She tells me of course she would never ACTUALLY invite him … But why did you say it then? To make him feel good? Why? Is that what you do to me? Be fake and say things just to make me feel good? Yea… I don’t think that’s any true friend of mine. 

Now I see, the very people she was talking bad about… She is now becoming buddy buddy with. Every little action solidifies what I’ve thought. It’s not about who is there for her, just as long as someone is. Some people are never ok unless they have people around them.. Or friends that are there for them. But that’s just it… It’s always about them… There’s nothing deeper between them and any given person. 

I don’t need friends… Especially not these kind. Granted I am not perfect by any means, but atleast I’m honest. I give my whole heart but people take it for granted and then stop to ask why they have no friends (which she recently asked me). Well darling, this is why. She’s not a bad person, and truly I do care about her but I can’t have a one way friendship. I’d rather have no friends than someone I can’t trust to have my back when I need someone. 

Excuses

As my phone buzzes with a text message from my grandmother (father’s mother) I instantly realize our lives are filled with excuses. We make excuses for the people that hurt us to sugar coat what they have done or we force ourselves to believe their excuses for why they have failed us once again.

She’s concerned because she hasn’t heard from me in awhile. Well I think about it for a moment and I ask myself is she really even being genuine. Does she actually even care? Answer.. Probably Not. And here’s why..

I had a sexual abuse case opened against her husband (my step grandfather) around the age of 14, not by my choice per say, but by children’s services after explaining to them how he treated me and the things he had done. My grandmother bashed me with EVERY EXPLICIT WORD OR NAME you could think of. She didn’t speak to me for over a year and still to this day thinks I’m a liar; although she no longer lives with him, they are still married. I always made the excuse “That’s her husband so she’s sticking up for him” BUT I’m her granddaughter.. what about me?? Mind you, her and I were extremely close prior to this.

Fast forward to my Graduation day at the age of 18. I had called my father and grandmother for months and months prior to this day. Neither of them would answer the phone or return my call. They acted as if I never existed. But it was ok for my father to drunk pocket dial me while out with his friends. When I’d call him back he wouldn’t answer. My graduation day came and went until one day I got a phone call from my grandmother explaining how she had been sick and that is why they never returned my phone calls. EXCUSE. For one why didn’t my father call to let me know that she was in the hospital? Why didn’t they atleast send a card or a phone call acknowledging my graduation? To this day I have never actually received any acknowledgment that I ever graduated from my father.

I did the nice thing by letting them be a part of my wedding. Traditionally, my father walked me down the aisle BUT not without my mom because ultimately she’s the only one that has always been there. A year after our wedding I was diagnosed with endometriosis and I was scheduled for surgery.

My grandmother insisted that she come up to help me (we live 2 hours apart) with my recovery. I was fine with that and thought it was a nice gesture. But two days before my surgery when I still hadn’t heard from her I called her to ask what time she would be here since my surgery was very early in the morning. She then told me she forgot that she promised the neighbor they would bake pies together so there was no way she could come up to be with me.

WAIT WHAT?! I just got blown off by my grandmother cause she had to bake pies?! WTF?! Why would you offer to help someone and then blow them off for pies? Right then and there. Excuses were out the door.

These people need to own up to these things. Not make us think that we need to make excuses for them. I live and learn every day.

So reading this message from her… does she honestly care… probably not at all. Though, she does lie a lot and she can be very fake and make you think that she cares. Only to turn around and treat you like shit and then make excuses for why she’s done that to you.

If someone hurts you, don’t make an excuse for them and don’t let them make excuses, they know what they are doing.

xoxo

Imagine This

Here I am 21 years old. Dr says, “From your diagnosis you may never have kids without fertility treatments. We can try Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) or Invitro Fertilization (IVF) but it’s very expensive and there are certainly NO guarantees that it will work.” Just imagine this for a moment.

All of these thoughts in my head, how could this be, how could my dreams be crushed in an instant, why me?

We spent several thousand dollars and dug ourselves into debt. Why? Because we were chasing our dream. Did it work? No. Although we did not try IVF because that is 10s of thousands of dollars and on top of our current treatment debt we are in no way able to dig further. But the chances of it working? UP TO a 40% chance. MAYBE. If you’re lucky. On top of that, could my body handle it? Treatments make my endo worse so chances are, no I couldn’t handle it.

But just take a minute and put yourself into my shoes. How would you feel if this news came to you after 4 years of trying to conceive.

Yes, Miracles happen everyday; however I can’t live my life everyday expecting a miracle to happen. So here I am almost 22years old honestly thinking about a hysterectomy. I want to close this chapter. I don’t want to continue to live with a what if or maybe a miracle will happen. Because frankly that f*cks with my head and emotions beyond belief.

I was asked the other day point blank, “So right now in this moment do you have any chance of getting pregnant – is there anything that they can do or you can take that will work?” This really made me think and made things much clearer for myself. The answer is no. There are no true treatments for endo. Fertility treatments did not work. There is nothing that they can do. But at 21 I should not have to face this. I should not have to feel like I have failed as a woman. Or be deprived of what many women around me can do so easily.

This happened to me because I’m supposed to be able to handle this and maybe you, the person that is reading this or that girl who is 8 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child, couldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong I am extremely grateful for the life that I have been given. I have an amazing husband who busts his ass everyday to put food on the table and take care of me when I am hurting beyond words. My mom is one of my biggest supporters. I have been inspired by my Aunt who has been diagnosed with cancer, to keep on fighting. And my animals keep me smiling day in and day out.

But please don’t judge me, please try to understand. I have a disease that is incurable and most days my body hates me. I’m grieving the loss of having children. I have my ups and downs. Some days I want to talk about it, other days I don’t want anyone even mentioning it. Naturally, I’m filled with anger, guilt, jealousy, sadness, and loss. But I’m working on it. I’m working on being a better me. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me, I just want you to be aware.

Unless you are faced with this you may never truly understand but atleast you can try.

Just imagine this and walk in my shoes.

 

xoxo

 

 

Don’t Write Checks Your Ass Can’t Cash & don’t lie!

Recently, I had to make a hard decision that will most likely impact the rest of our lives, regarding a close relative who repetitively lied to us. You should never lie to someone that you love especially if it’s just to make yourself look good or the recipient of the lies feel good.

Two things that mean the world to me:

1. Our Wedding Day 2. Our struggle with infertility & the costly treatments.

Unfortunately, we are not the richest couple in the world and when it came to planning our wedding day we had a decision to make:

1. Elope in Las Vegas 2. Destination wedding (Cruise or Island Wedding) 3. Save money and plan a big fairytale wedding.

Truthfully, we were leaning more towards 1 or 2. But that would obviously mean that certain close relatives would not be there due to financial restraints but then again it’s about us and what we want. So what one relative did (I’ll refer to this person as B) in order to get us to do a local wedding was offer to pay half for our wedding and my mom agreed that she would pay half. We never asked for this money, Mom and B insisted this was their gift to us so we could have our big day.

So we set the date and originally planned for a $5,000 wedding. But B was continuously making excuses as to why they didn’t have the money, “Next payday, next payday” or “Income tax time I’ll give you the money.” The excuses continued through all of our planning and eventually our budget grew to $10,000. My mom told B to just pick up the $2,500 like the initial agreement and she would pick up the rest.

By our wedding day, my mom had paid for our entire wedding out of pocket and B got away with literally paying NOTHING, not even a wedding gift. I let this go for the sake of our wedding, but it hurt and was hard as hell to deal with!

Two years later, we were faced with trying to cough up the cash for IVF because the Dr told us after failed IUI’s and the severity of my endo, the only way we would get pregnant was In Vitro. There was no way we had that money or could finance that money, it was impossible. But one day B told me how they went to the bank and were going to take out a home equity loan to do some house repairs that needed to be done. So knowing how close I am to B I threw the idea out there that maybe B could help us out by taking extra money out and we would make the monthly payments so we could do IVF.

B thought the idea was great or so they made me think. B told me 3 different times that they were going to the bank to find out if they could take the loan out and each time made up an excuse as to why they couldn’t go. Knowing how important this was to me, due to my endo issue I didn’t have time to kill, I was growing very upset that I was getting lied to again and again.

Finally, another issue close to my heart with B arose that hurt me badly with B’s kids who mean the world to me. I treated them like they were my own and would take a bullet for them in an instant. For 3 years I have deliberately not been invited to their birthday parties, the one day all year that is JUST ABOUT THEM. I say that it’s deliberate because the last birthday it happened on I made a big deal about how much it hurt me and asked that it never happened again. But once again I wasn’t invited to another birthday and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I lost it. I called B out and basically told them how they managed to lie to me over and over again regarding the TWO MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE, and I was done! The reply I got was that B couldn’t find a babysitter for the kids (knowing I would of watched them had they asked or B could take them along) I knew I was lied to again.

It has been almost 2 months since I have talked to B and all I can think of is if B really loved us B would of never lied to us or deliberately played with our emotions. This just shows what kind of people they are. Why is it so hard to just be honest with someone? Why do people feel the need (especially someone who is SO CLOSE to us) to do this? I never got an I’m sorry, I got, “You are right, I’m so imperfect I should not be here.” Why do they have to throw a pity party for themselves and suggest ending their own life? All B had to say from the beginning of both situations is I can’t do it. Not offer to do it, knowing you can’t. I learned a big lesson and now I know who I definitely cannot trust. Not every problem with B that made me come to this decision regarded money. Things built up over time and these 3 situations were deal breakers because they meant SO MUCH to me.

It’s just hard for me to understand why? Why hurt us in this way? All I wanted for my life was to get married and raise a family. Although I can have a fulfilling marriage, I cannot have children. For someone to knowingly play with my heart and not care that it’s all a lie, just kills me.

xoxo