Life as I know it

Well, it’s been about a year since I last posted. I’m a little over a year post hysterectomy and a lot has changed since then. I have literally went through hell and back.. and still trying to figure things out. Basically, I am very thankful that I had the surgery to help my endometriosis.. and it has quite a bit.. I still have some pain… more on some days than others. Things were pretty good right after recovery but not long after things went wrong in my life. My husband and I split for a few months while I tried to figure myself out and what I truly wanted. I think realizing that I would never be able to give him kids and all my life plans had suddenly changed I thought maybe it was time to change the direction of my life. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for marriage? Maybe I was never meant to have a family? Maybe I’m different than I was before? So I explored… I cried alot.. I drank alot.. I vomited alot… I starved myself alot.. and above all else I went against all my morals… and I dated someone else. I dropped 20lbs quick and my body image was drastically better but I wasn’t happy. The guy I was seeing was such an asshole… gave me the run around alot.. tried controlling me.. and made me feel like shit. I thought why did I give up my good marriage just to be torn down. Over the years, my husband always said, if you leave, then you leave, I can’t make you stay. So when I asked for a separation, I didn’t expect him to fight much… but boy was I wrong. I thought he had gone crazy… He chased me down.. he bought me flowers.. he begged to come home.. he wrote me letters and it was a side to him that I had never seen before. It really put things into perspective for me. He truly loved me. No one has ever showed me that, to that extent, in my life. Thankfully we were able to work on things.. and it is still a struggle because he still feels I could leave at any moment which isn’t the case. But in a way this experience has humbled me, I don’t judge so much and I try to understand more because you never know the reasons someone does the things that they do. I struggle with these inner demons because of the cards I’ve been dealt and I know now the fight is very much worth it. Don’t let anyone come between you and your partner (as long as you’re in a healthy relationship). During this time my “best friend” was living with us and now I can look back and see the negative influence he had on me as well as the other people I had in my life. It was horrible.

Through this experience, I have also lost my relationship with my mom. My mom has always been my best friend so to no longer speak to her is very hard. She met someone, who she had previously been with some 17 years ago, and within 2 months of “dating” they married. I chose to support her, even though I had many doubts about her new partner I’ll call “M”. M tends to manipulate my mom in many ways which I am not ok with. M has a good career and makes pretty good money, can go on multiple vacations and do much more than my mom could do on her own. It plays a big role in things. M tends to be jealous and controlling… not only did my relationship with my mom go down the drain but so did my mom’s relationship with her very close friends and family. It’s rather sad.. and makes me extremely angry… My mom finally pushed me to say what I was feeling and I pretty much exploded on her and M… I basically feel that M brings so much negativity into my life I don’t want that around me. I’m at a point that I need people that want to grow in life instead of tearing people down. My mom can choose to be in it but I will not. SO… I have had almost no contact with my mom in 3 months. She couldn’t even give me the respect to talk with me in private without M around… so I kinda see where things stand. I’ll let her make that move… because now I know who my family is.. who loves me… who supports me.. and who always will. Ultimately it’s my husband. He has been there since day one.. and 6years later… he is still here standing proudly by my side, mistakes and all. This shall catch ya up so far… I will continue to update more later… It’s been a rollercoaster but I’m hanging on for the ride!